Post things to cheer up people

[MtPockets]

Just a few things to maybe bring a smile to your face.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you can ask him”.



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes”, the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted,”Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

Feel free to share something funny to get our minds off other things, if just for a minute.

:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D


God Bless,
Capt. AL

[janf]

Thanks mississippi man That was so cute, out of the mouths of babes, gotto love-em. I have a new g- baby girl to be born tomorrow. children or the light of my life on this earth. Bless you and yours at CHRIST-mas. janf

[jkp]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed............. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

We got a good laugh out of this!!
Jon

[MarciaA]

A man unwrapped a Christmas present to find a jigsaw puzzle inside. He marveled at the beautiful picture on the box and was so excited to get started on it. Then a look of great disappointment came upon his face. "What's wrong?" his family asked him. He replied, "I think I'll have to exchange this puzzle...it must be REALLY hard." His family couldn't figure it out...it only had 500 pieces...what was hard about that? Then he explained..."The box says 7 to 12 years...I don't want a puzzle that takes THAT long to put together! :-)

Marcia

[MtPockets]

Now that's what I mean. I got a great laugh out of those. Join in people and let's help put a smile on everyone's face.
:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D
:mrgreen::):cool::rolleyes::roll::roll:: wink::lol::lol:

God Bless,
Capt. AL

[MtPockets]

I was shopping at a Wal-Mart and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me. She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
That comes to $121.85, "said the clerk. "How come so much I only bought 5 items?"
The clerk replied, "Yeah , but your mother said you would be paying for her things too."

[CindyM]

Now that's a good joke, MT!

[jkp]

Reaching the end of a job...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

Jon

[dana]

-I thought this was funny-

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No,
he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"


-Dana-

[Al]

In keeping with the holiday spirit.


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get

into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He

flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man

reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and

said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly

gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just

what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."




And So The Holiday Season Begins....

[MtPockets]

Two Aggies, Bubba and Junior, were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up.

A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We
ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
reconstruction of the New Orleans levees.

[Rhonda]

My husband has a thing about being 5 ft. back from the tv, so he told my grand daughter
to get back 5 ft. from the tv and she says grand daddy I don't have 5 feet. You had to be there. Grandkids are a true blessing from God. HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Rhonda

[Mike27]

Thought I'd bump this thread forward. Laughter is the best medicine!!
------------:mrgreen:

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over,
so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the
$50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus.

[Mike27]

Here's a real groaner for you...

Two ropes walk into a saloon...they go up to the bar and ask the bartender for a couple of beers.
The bartender takes one look at them and says "You two get outta here! We don't serve ropes here!"

The ropes leave and go into the next saloon. They go up to the bar and order a couple of beers. The same thing happens. The bartender looks at them and says "We don't serve ropes here!! Git!"

Dejected, they leave. Then one rope had an idea! He said to his friend "Here, tangle me up and mess up the top of my head.."

Now, with confidence, the two ropes walk into a third saloon. They go up to the bar and say "Bartender! Two beers please!" The bartender eyes them carefully and says "Are you a rope?"

The rope replies "I'm a frayed knot!"

[rcharlton]

This happened to me a few years ago (true story) (the build up is a bit long but it is worth it - so be patient - I transcribed the story below about 30 minutes after the incident happened - I happened at work - and I work in a small office with my dad and some others):

About half an hour ago, I was in the office kitchen. The kitchen is
immediately to the right of our front door. While I was in the , our front door opens and in walks two of our biggest clients. I was dressed pretty casually as I was leaving work early. I was a little embarrassed to be caught dressed as I was, but I knew them both quite well (well enough to joke with). As soon
as they saw what I was wearing they started laying into me about my attire
("Well I guess you are taking casual day to new extremes" "You look like
you were just kicked off the show "Survivor"" "Wow, look at those pasty
white chicken legs") I took the abuse in good form, and once they let up
on the comments, I turned and went about my business. Well, no sooner did I
turn than I heard both of the clients exploded into fits of laughter and
begin to whisper to each other "Oh my god, he has got.... whisper whisper".
Before I could find out what the cause of this laughter was, my father came
out to greet them and escort both into the board room to discuss business.

A few minutes later I was talking with my co-worker (and friend) Shannon,
when all of a sudden my dad, having walked out of the board room and upon
the advice of the two clients, walks up to me, twists me around and removes
a two foot length of toilet paper that was hanging from the back of my
shorts. The behaviour of our two clients was now all too clear.

I returned to my office to resume work - after about a minute, I heard the sound of someone gasping for air. After Shannon had seen the toilet paper, she fell into uncontrollable fits of laughter and had trouble breathing. When I saw her condition, I also went into hysterics and we were both laughing for
a solid 10 minutes (I can still hear her giggling - and the incident happened over an hour and a half ago). Shannon is also 8 months pregnant and I am afraid that all this laughter may trigger a pre-mature
labour. I wonder if toilet paper has ever caused an early delivery before?

[liz]

OK guys, here's one from my seven year old son. He thought it was so funny he could hardly get it out without falling down laughing. Listening to him tell it was probably (no, definitely) funnier than the joke itself:

Three skunks, a mama and a papa and a baby, were out for a walk in the woods and came to a fork in the path. The papa skunk said "my instincts tell me to go right", the mama skunk said "my instincts tell me to go left, and the baby skunk said 'my in stinks but it doesn't tell me which way to go". (GROAN :) )

Liz

[Beebe]

Hi Liz, lol Very cute. My grandson who is 11 grinned at that one. My Best to you ,Beebe

[mlb]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and lose, he wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5am."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper read: "It's 5am. Wake up."

[liz]

Okay now you got me going. Here's a stupid kid joke gone bad.

The way the joke was supposed to go - a man goes to the doctor and he's got a pea in his ear, a corn cob up his nose, and he carrot in his belly button. The man says to his doctor "I don't feel well." The doctor replies "no wonder you don't feel well, you don't eat right."

My then six-year-old (now 11-year-old) son learned the joke. With my encouragement he was telling it to my mother one day when she came to visit. However, here's how it came out:

"A man goes to the doctor and he's got a pea in his ear and a carrot stuck in his butt...."

I put a stop to it there, but it was too late to avoid that "what kind of a mother are you?" glare from my mom. And my son, he just couldn't figure out what he said wrong.

[MtPockets]

This is a great way to start my day. Thanks to all for sharing.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very Secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting The night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of oatmeal, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his Grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get Them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made spaghetti. Again, John was concerned About the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that Looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, Those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I Don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as He was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let Him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to My car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was Watching on TV, the old man shouted .

"COLDWATER, GO LIE DOWN!!!!"

God Bless
Capt AL

[Jane]

Hi All, this "funny thread" is a great idea, we all need a laugh
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, " So I hear youRe getting married?"
"Yep""Do I know her?"
Nope
"This woman is she good looking?"
"Not really"
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw she can't cool too well"
"Does she have lots of money?"
Nope, poosr as a church mouse
"Well then, is she good in bed?'
"Idon't know"
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then"
"Because she can still drive!
Hope this gives you a little chuckle
Jane

[mlb]

Here is something in honour of the Chinese New Year (February 18th):

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. he turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How on earth does that fit here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here." replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to tis country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then, she look at me and go, "What your name?"

I say "Sem Ting."

[mlb]

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later, she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "you must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

:-D
Anna

[MtPockets]

Yall got me laughing like crazy, great jokes. This is not a joke but something I thought might make you think just a little.:idea:
God Bless
Capt AL

Breakfast at McDonald's ..... Please read until the end.


This is a good story and is true, Of course it's not me, but it's still good. Please read it all the way through until the end!

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with. Her last project of the term was called "Smile."

The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.

I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved. As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.

As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling." His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.

He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.

I held my tears as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted. He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).

Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.

That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."

I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope." I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."

We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give. We are not church goers, but we are believers!

That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love. I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand. I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.

Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?" I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.

In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.

I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE....

Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

[mlb]

Oh Capt Al, what a lovely story! I cried at every line...

Hugs to you too.

Anna

[mlb]

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"


A.

[mlb]

This is an old one but still quite funny..


A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

:-D :-D
A.

[AlmasDaddy]

This is from a comic strip that was given to me today.
There is a caveman sitting on the ground under a tree writing on a tablet.

I am thankful that I have one leg

To limp is no disgrace

Although I cannot be number one

I can still run the race

It's not the things you cannot do

That makes you who you are

It's doing good with what you've got

That lights the Morning star

[mlb]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."


Anna

[mlb]

In an old people's home, an 87-year-old woman walked into the recreation room, holding her clenched fist in the air, and announced, "If anyone can guess what I've got in my hand, you can make love to me tonight."

One uninterested old codger called out, "An elephant."

The old woman said, "Near enough."

[mlb]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[mlb]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[AlmasDaddy]

Do you know what Hope is?
It's magic and it's free
It's not in a prescription
It's not in an IV.
It punctuates our laughter
It sparkles in our tears
It simmers under sorrows
And dissipates our fears.
Do you know what Hope is?
It's reaching past today
It's dreaming of tomorrow
It's trying a new way.
It's pushing past Impossible
It's pounding on the door
It's questioning the Answers
It's always seeking more.
It's rumors of a breath
It's whispers of a cure
A roller coaster ride of remedies unsure.
Do you know what Hope is?
It's candy for the soul,
It's perfume for the spirit,
To share it, makes you whole.

Author Unknown

[mlb]

AlmasDaddy, this is beautiful. So true too! Anna

[Al]

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[mlb]

On the first day of school, children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bunch of flowers, while the lolly store owner's daughter gave her a lovely box of chocolates.

Then the liquor store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No." the boy replied.

"She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the boy. "It's a puppy."

:-D

[Al]

Now that's a good one Anna.
AL.

[mlb]

Yuck, I almost choked up. These jokes that I post are in the daily newspaper which I read at the corner cafe whilst having breakfast! I read them to my husband (he reads a different newspaper that doesn't include jokes) and we have a good laugh. Brightens up our morning. Hope it brightens up yours too.

Anna

[MtPockets]

Toooo Funny. great one. :lol: :shock:
God Bless
Capt AL

[AlmasDaddy]

Frank Higgins, the lumberjack evangelist, was once taking his meal at the lunch counter in the rear of a saloon. The drinking woodsmen laughingly invited him to drink with them. "I'll tell you what I'll do, boys; if my dog will drink the stuff you fellows are imbibing, I'll join you," said Higgins. He called the dog to him, but on smelling the beverage, Bess turned away. "Can't do it, boys. I'd hate to set a bad example to my dog. She has good sense; you'd better follow her lead."

[Al]

Is there more to this one or is it just the Monday thing where I just don't get it?
AL.

OK I reread it for the 4th time. Now I get it. It is Monday you know!!LOL

[mlb]

It's Tuesday where I am Al.... Does this make us your future?

[Mike27]

Luv this thread!!:-D

--------------
CANADIAN WOMEN

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from the U.S. and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housecleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, most of the swelling had gone and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

[Al]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy

lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with

pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as

they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the

large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to

emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

[Beebe]

Hi Al, LOL!!!!!!!!!!! That was a great one. Still LOL!!!! Have a good day. Best to you Beebe

[Al]

Senior Citizens Bus Trip

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson,
MO.

As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and
says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells
her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she
was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos,
but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd
been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first
rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man
on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I
try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"

[Countrycouple]

If you are sitting there, and would love to listen to music on the computer.. with little to NO comercials.. Music form the 70's, 80's, 90's.. this is the station to do so..

http://www.george104.com/#


Mike

[Countrycouple]

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Mike

[Countrycouple]

Had these emailed to me the other day.. i thought they were awesome.. Thought I'd share them with you..

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o30/Redneck_Charger/Chalk%20Art/fly.jpg

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o30/Redneck_Charger/Chalk%20Art/water.jpg

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o30/Redneck_Charger/Chalk%20Art/spiderman.jpg

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o30/Redneck_Charger/Chalk%20Art/hosewater.jpg

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o30/Redneck_Charger/Chalk%20Art/BatRobin.jpg

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o30/Redneck_Charger/Chalk%20Art/ATT60139.jpg

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o30/Redneck_Charger/Chalk%20Art/ATT60135.jpg

[AlmasDaddy]

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"

[nsmith555]

Kids' letters to God:

Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise

Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth

Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.

Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Mickey

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles

Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

[Countrycouple]

*YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN*

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:**green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.**I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[liz]

This was originally a private message I had sent off to Cindy. Am posting it here at her recommendation for you all to enjoy.

OK Cindy -

They just got done remodeling the restrooms in the office building where I work. So I went in for the first time with my heightened awareness of just how accessible facilities are. Here's how it went -

1) the new door is very heavy and the key has to turn 90 degrees to unlock the door - hard for my hand to maneuver,
2) a new roomy handicapped accessible stall was added,
3) I went in and locked the door behind me - the knob was the large pinch/turn type/not a lever,
4) there was no toilet paper so.....
5) I turned around to leave and .....
6) either the knob was broken or my hands just couldn't work it but I was locked in the stall so.....
7) I had to lay down on my back and shimmy my way out under the door,
8) glad there were no witnesses,
9) but I had to attend my last meeting of the day with saw dust (leftover from the recent construction) smears on the back of my shirt.

Go ahead and laugh. If this isn't enough, just imagine if someone walked in on me while I was halfway out of the stall laying there on the floor.

Just trying to retain some shred of dignity,

Liz

[MtPockets]

Welcome to my world Liz. Good One. Been there done that.
God Bless all you and your wonderful jokes, keep them coming
Capt AL

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE AND GET RESULTS!

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay, "hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available (True Story) I LOVE IT.

[Countrycouple]

Creation
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty
Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

[sufernan]

Could anyone tell me how I can attached a cartoon from my computer to posted on the forum?
Sunny

[Countrycouple]

Could anyone tell me how I can attached a cartoon from my computer to posted on the forum?
Sunny


One way is to use Photobucket and they are at photobucket.com:roll:

[Al]

Subject: FW: Water vs wine

> It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
>each
>day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
>Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words,
we
are
>consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when
drinking

>wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go
>through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or
fermenting.

>WATER = Poo WINE = HEALTH Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk
>stupid than to drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to
thank
>me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.
Now
>you have a good day......

[liz]

This is very encouraging, Al. I've already got the whiskey part down pat - will stop with the H2O effective immediately. Who wants to drink poo? Not me. And as for me talking stupid............I don't think most folks will notice the difference.

You've really cheered me up! :)

Liz

[Howdy]

Al, That is the reason I drink Distilled water only. There are other many other toxins in most water supplies also. Howdy

[Al]

Top ten things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Well! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
desk!!!!

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

[joelc]

Retirement Planning

Some tips for retirement planning from an expert in the industry:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock three years ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But if over the last three years you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer, drank all
the beer, then returned the cans or bottles for your refund you would have $614.00.

So based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.

[Beebe]

Hi all, Three sisters age 92,94 and 96 live together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,"Was I getting in or out 0f the bath?" The 94 year old yells back "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, " Was I going up or down the stairs?" The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on the wooden table for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." My Best to all, Beebe

[MtPockets]

OK Today I'll pick on Blondes::razz:

HOW FAR IS THE MOON?
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench Talking........ And one blonde says to the other, "Which do You think is farther away....... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says..."Hellooooo, can You see Florida ...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?":oops:

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left hand and Screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

God Bless
Capt AL

[MtPockets]

Got to throw in one more:

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"

God Bless
Capt AL :rolleyes:

[liz]

So after two weeks of avoiding the handicapped accessible stall in our office building's brand-new, upgraded bathroom (due to the previous incident mentioned above), I finally went in again today.

The good news is that there was toilet paper and they replaced the pinch/turn knob with a levered knob. The bad news is that the darn lock just doesn't work. So I was locked in again and had to lay on my back and shimmy out again. :evil: What will I do when my shimmy muscles stop working?

Actually, I've heard that I'm not the only person in the building who has had this fun experience. There were numerous complaints and the levered knob was supposed to be the solution. In the meantime every unsuspecting person going into that stall has had to crawl out from underneath the door. There's an awful lot of mad ladies working in my building now.

As Al would say, "FUN WOW".

Liz

[MtPockets]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.
I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

God Bless
Capt AL

[MtPockets]

Another goody for you:
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, You're really doing great, aren't you? Morris replied, Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur; be careful.

And one more:
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"

God Bless,
capt AL

[MtPockets]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, One for you, one for me."He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls. The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.

"They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
God Bless
Capt AL

[Tonya]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

[Peg B]

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. I liked this one.

Just do what it says...and see what you think.
Go to http://maps.google.com

Click on Get Directions

From: New York, New York

To: Paris, France

Now Read #23

[Al]

Man I couldn't swim that far even before the ALS.
AL.

[MtPockets]

I could swim maybe 2 miles when I was a kid, but I guess I'd be 3,460 miles short. Good one to wake up the morning to.
God Bless
Capt AL

[sufernan]

Top ten things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Well! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at desk!!!!

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

[Al]

Seniors in Texas
>
> An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "seniors" in Texas . Ray
always
> wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he
> buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the
house
> and
> says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
> Bessie looks him over: "Nope."
> Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back
> into
> the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a
little
> louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"
> Bessie looks up and says: "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today,
> it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
> Furious, Ray yells: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S
> HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
> To which Bessie replies: "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a
> hat."
>