LOL, We actually lived in Clarksburg WV for a short while. My oldest son was born there... ~ yes you read that right, former Miami girl moved to WV..... culture shock for sure, but I liked it there!

Rose...A Florida girl? I love New Jersey...Personally I think we get a bad rap, but what made you move from the sunshine state to our horrid winters? Please tell me you have a winter home down south! 8-)

It's their first date.

The young man offers his date a cigarette. She declines, saying, "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

He offers her a drink. She declines, saying, "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

The date ends early. As he is driving her home, they pass a motel. He figures what the hell, and asks, "Would you like to stop in there for a while?"

She says, "Sure."

He's shocked. "But what will you tell your Sunday School class?

"The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

Good one Beth,

I suppose some days are more newsworthy than others, huh?

hugs,
brenda

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I had no idea that this thread was all about telling jokes. Those are some of the funniest things I have ever read. I'll be sure to contribute soon. I guess we have to be at least semi-decent though, huh. I think I can do that . . . I think. ;)

ITALIAN Women are TOUGH!

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.


Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"HEY, DON'TA TOUCHA!" she said.
"Those are for the funeral."

Hi Lovelily,

Just noticed you are from Northern NJ. First post I saw from my home state...
Just wanted to say Hi.

Lin

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A physician claims these are actual comment from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1). "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2). "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3). "Can you hear me NOW?"

4). "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5). "You know....in Arkansas, we're now legally married...."

6). "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7). "You put your left hand in, you take your right hand out, you doooo the Hokey Pokey...."

8). "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9). "If you hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10). "Hey doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11). "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week, the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs, she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along, Missus," the old man said. "I finally did fart my guts out but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

:lol:

8-) too funny!

Muhahahahahahhahahah...... :D

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" may have sounded something like this:

Costello calls a computer store to ask about a computer. Abbot answers the phone.

Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Costello: Yes. I'm setting up an office at home and I'm thinking about buying a computer. http://www.jokesclean.com/s.gif

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: No, my name's Lou.

Abbott: Your computer?

Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.

Abbott: OK then, what about Windows?

Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in there?

Abbott: No. But do you want a computer with Windows?

Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Abbott: Wallpaper at first.

Costello: Never mind the windows! I need a computer and some software.

Abbott: Software for Windows?

Costello: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to run my business, write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yeah, for my office. I told you that. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott: I just did.

Costello: You just did what?

Abbott: Recommended something.

Costello: You recommended something?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: For my office?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: OK. What did you recommend for my office?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.

Costello: My office already has windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to write a proposal. What would I need?

Abbott: Word.

Costello: What word?

Abbott: Word in Office.

Costello: The only word in office is office.

Abbott: You need the Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: Which word in office for windows?

Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't give me some straight answers. What about bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can use to track my money?

Abbott: Sure, Money.

Costello: That's right. What do you have?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?

Abbott: Yes, and It comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: Money comes with my computer?

Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much do I get?

Abbott: One copy.

Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

Abbott: We got a license from Microsoft to copy Money.

Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?

Abbott: Why not? They own it!

(A few days later)

Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Costello: How do I turn my computer off?

Abbott: Click "START"

Hahahaha..laughed right out loud with that one, l4dybugg! :lol:

For a good laugh at me, go to this page: http://www.alsforums.com/forum/showthread.php?p=56448#post56448
(http://www.alsforums.com/forum/showt...6448#post56448)
It is a short story about my latest fall. Members suggested I post the link here for a laugh.

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she
wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and
get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At
the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either and if you must
know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled,

"Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized ... )!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38''s!"

The Parrot and the Bulldog

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied...

"Get him, Spike!"

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j20/b0obug/my%20tags/fall/abLori.png

http://www.autumnblessingsmovie.com/

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Now, only on a site like this would people really "get" that punch line!!:lol:

Exactly! :wink:

I hate to admit it but I'm one of those doing my best to avoid being foreclosed on. Earlier in the year, with my PNS, I could only handle 30% of my normal business load. Got behind, couldn't catch up and boom! The hammer was coming down.

24 Hours before the actual foreclosure, a "Loss Mitigation" specialist with a local realtor miraculously stepped in and acted as the mediator between my mortgage company and myself. She got to folks I didn't even know existed. She got past the "gate keepers" that I couldn't and stopped the foreclosure.

It became a media event. I was on the local 10:00 news (Hey, look at the piano dude that almost lost his house! Hey, isn't that MY piano tuner?)

A week later, the "News Leader" columnist did a 2 hour interview with the Loss Mitigation lady and myself and poof! Big, unwanted column (in the Sunday paper no less) about me and my foreclosure with the caption, "Rescued". Big picture of me and the realtor lady to boot!

Well, outside of having dirty laundry aired (twice!), some good has come of it. Many people in Springfield now know of the "rescuer" loss mitigation lady and are calling for help. The article did mention I have a muscle wasting illness that was the main culprit in my down fall. (Now I'm not a total dirtbag.)

The realtor company was the driving force behind all of this. Call me the poster child for the foreclosure club!

On the upside, since gas prices are coming down and my plight is known to all of Greene county and beyond, I have been booking "sympathy" tunings from well-wishers wanting to give me business with the caveat that I'm well enough to do it. (sigh...)

Yep, something you really don't want; fame in the wrong 15 minures of your life!

Zaphoon

P.S. I'm breaking out the dark glasses and wig.

Hey, take any 15 minutes you can get !!

That's such good news. Every time one of the good guys wins, we all win a little, too.

Now some people might think this joke is dirty. If a slightly off color joke offends you, please skip it. I laughed for a good 10 minutes so you have an idea where my funny bone is.

AL.

The Tale Of The Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on lad, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and
two glasses of Irish Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry! , I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub'

TOO funny !!! lol

oh my gosh!

LOL:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Personally, I thought it was hilarious.

Al, I've already shared the joke 8-)

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
Go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
The mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike He won't bother you. But,
Whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
Discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just
As she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
Go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
Yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
Himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

So you're going to charge me with plagarism? So I'm not the only dirty joke teller here? LOL.

Al, I was the plagerer, I told it almost as soon as I read it here yesterday, it was "hot off the press" plagiarism, and I feel no shame 8-)

Guess I missed that. I thought you meant that you had posted that joke before. DOH!

AL.

Yeah, I see where my wording was a little ambiguous. Isn't it funny when someone starts to tell us a joke that we originally told them though? The rule at home is its a good one if its short enough we can remember it all. 8-)

Well, its halloween night and I'm home alone to pass out the candy. My daughter purchased fruit rollup things and hershey bars to pass out.

The first thing I did was take out 3/4's of the hershey bars from the terrifically huge candy bowl which left ample amounts of super sugary fruit rollups to pass out. Hey, if I'm going to get stuck with left over candy, it might as well be something thats a bit more palletable with coffee, right?

Besides, its a well known fact that chocolate gives you zits and all I'm doing is keeping the kids from chocolate induced pimple face syndrome (cipfs).

I just had to make this confession while I sit here and eat the hersheys before anyone comes home. They don't have to know, do they?

I am not without shame...

Zaphoon
P.S. You may be wondering how I know the fruit rollup things are super sugary. Its kind of obvious, isn't it? I'm eating those, too!

I solve the guilt problem by only buying stuff I like ... and for some odd reason, I always seem to buy too much, and have one or two bags left over.

I assume that's another obscure symptom of ALS. Overstocking on Halloween candy indicates an impaired "executive decision-making" process. So, if it's caused by ALS, I can hardly be expected to only buy what we need.

Also, I eat Baby Ruths in order to honor Lou Gehrig's great team mate, the immortal Babe. Hats off to Lou and Babe, (munch, munch).

And also, they have peanuts in them, which are healthy legumes and part of a very responsible diet.

Also ripping open the foil packets gives my hands some great "fine tuning" exercise.

Plus in case of an earthquake in the new few days ... always a possibility ... having a surplus of Baby Ruths in the house would probably keep us alive for a while.

So there are many logical, healthful reasons for me to turn the porch light off at 7:30 and hide behind the couch eating candy for my health.

Beth,

That post of yours made me smile:-D

Your logic and reasoning are not only sound but unquestionable.

I had to pick myself up off the floor again:lol:

I really think you should go on the road with your act, you are funnnny. You have lifted my spirits sooo much the last few days, thanks for the humor.


P.S. I only keep a house full of young kids to eat their candy, so I don't feel guilty for hording the trick or treaters.lol

One big advantage of having ALS: No one cares how fat I am anymore. :lol::rolleyes::shock:
Love you folks.

hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!:lol::roll:8)8):l ol:

You know, I hadn't thought about that, no one has asked my recently if I'm still on my diet. The way I figure it, the longer I'm able to take in nourishment, the better off I'll be. At least I'm betting on that one!

Happy November to all,
brenda

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches there than casinos.
>
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
>
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Ba-da-boom.
>
(Hey, don't groan at me. I don't write this stuff, I just steal it.)

Beth,

I was reading your story about Las Vegas, Catholic churches, Sunday offerings, casino chips and Franciscan monestary thinking, wow! I never knew that!

Then I got to that last line referring to the work done by the chip monks.:smile:

Too funny! I got sucked into that one! Never saw it coming!

Thanks for the laugh!

Zaphoon

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on, our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night.

' The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1 '

The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled BELL 4

'What the hell is BELL 4? asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied ' YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such a naughty girl.

lol :-)

As if we PALS aren't suffering enough, here's your daily quota of groaners ....


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.""I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Well done, Beth!

Some of that stuff was so bad it was funny!:D

Keep it up!

Zaphoon

Back in the year when I was unsuccessfully trying to improve my speech with speech therapy, I got bored with the lists of words I was supposed to practice daily, so I started writing them into limericks.

This is deducated to Brenda upon her completion of her degree!


If hospitals seem worse than hearses
And fill you with nothing but curses,
Dissing doctors is swell:
Tell them all, "Go to Hell!"
But please -- never piss off the nurses.

:-P

wow, just about fell off my computer chair!

I love it!:lol::lol::lol::lol::D:D:!::!:

keep the laughs coming!

The below is not be, btw. I hope this formats correctly. :-|
__________
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.
She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

A man was driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road in the opposite direction. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out her window and yelled, "Pig!"

The man immediately leaned out his window and replied with, "Hog!"

They each continued on their way. As the man rounded the next corner, he hit a pig in the middle of the road.

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible,
I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."


Wife gets naked & asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, "Your sense of humour!"


An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

How about Comments Made in the Year 1955! That's only 53 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000. 00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'

'I'm a fraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ..'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

Hey ,,, those aren't funny, those are true !!! :-)

My first job in the 50s, 35 hours a week, $35 gross pay, minus taxes.

Advantages of aging:

- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac (whew!)

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable number.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way (whew!).

- Your joints are more accurate than the national weather service.

- In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

One of my first jobs was working for the Water Works, in the 60's, for $1.65 an hour, 40 to 60 hours a week. Last things we worried about were material possessions. We wanted food.........

When I was 12 (8th grade), I worked for Lawrence Larkowski in the back of his suburban. He had a paper route and I rolled papers and put them in the automatic tying machine so he could throw then onto lawns.

Monday - Friday after school for 1.5 hours and then Friday at midnight to 5:00am Saturday and Saturday midnight to Sunday 6:00am.

18.5 hours and my pay was $17.00 a week. Not bad for a kid in the 8th grade.

I asked him for a raise once and he just laughed. He had a beautiful 14 year old daughter and when he saw me eyeballing her, he told me that the naked female body was a very ugly thing to behold. Oh, the trauma I suffered when first I gazed at a nude woman.

Zaphoon

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

All I can say after reading that last post is,

I'm buying a larger size glove!

Zaphoon

"Zaphoon" ... so that's where your post-traumatic disorder came from.

Rose ... I hold you personally responsible for the mouthfull of milkshake that is now all over my computer screen. You should have warned us ...

Its just so true! 8)

Funny, they don't look Polish.

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/27846893/

Really 3 times the length of my thumb. Are you sure they did not mean thumbnail?? :confused::confused:
Maybe you explained it later cause I never got that far. 8)8)
I knew there was some reason I bought those big guns over the years.

HAH ! Good one, Cap'n Al ...

No they don't but they look like they're polishing the pole well.

AL.

I don't get it...

I followed that link you dropped for Al, Beth and the article said their "pole dancing" wasn't about stripping. Okay, I guess not but what is with the short-shorts and stalleto heels? How in the world are you supposed to handle a pole dressed like that?

Wouldn't you get pole-burn?

I believe a well-polished pole protects against pole-burn. As to their uniforms, I believe they're dressed for comfort. 4-inch heels are such a pleasure to wear.

I think they should slide up and down those poles dressed in silk or satin - something shiny and slick. I can't think of too much thats not shiny and is slick.

I'm never going to try it. I'd wind up with pole-burn not matter how shiny the pole was.

Zaphoon

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals gathered around it,
a Lion
a Chimpanzee
a Giraffe
and a Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win? (Note: Your answer will reflect your personality., so think carefully.)

Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.
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If your answer is:
Lion = you're dumb.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.


A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

(PS ... I guessed a squirrel. :cry:)

oh my gosh I needed that!
:mrgreen::mrgreen:

A rancher asked a veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?"

The veterinarian replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."

Z