lovelily
08-08-2008, 07:42 PM
Hey Al....I'm 1/2 Polish. I didn't get #4? :-D
take care
lovelily
take care
lovelily
View Full Version : Post things to cheer up people
PDaddy
08-09-2008, 11:52 AM
Which half of #4 didn't you get? hehe
Al
08-09-2008, 04:57 PM
Obviously you're not a very polished Pole. LOL.
al.
al.
Al
08-09-2008, 08:03 PM
Before anybody gets upset about stereotypes. Yes my ancestry is Irish.
Baptising an Irishman
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereu= pon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" <= /span>
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus=20= me brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when h= e begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks th= e drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "= Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"
Baptising an Irishman
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereu= pon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" <= /span>
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus=20= me brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when h= e begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks th= e drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "= Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"
rose
08-09-2008, 09:04 PM
OK, this isn't ha-ha funny, but its one of those awwww so cute video clips. Incidentally, my 'grandcat" loves it, he will sit and watch the entire thing. :)
http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=4085427n
http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=4085427n
MtPockets
08-11-2008, 11:24 AM
LT and Billy Bob are walking down a street while in Jackson, Mississippi, and they see a sign on a store which reads, 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.'
LT says to his pal, 'Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Millen, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Mississippi drawl so's they don't know.'
They go in and LT says with his best fake Mississippi drawl, 'I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ....'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'Ya'll are from Georgia, ain't you?'
'Well...yeah,' says a surprised LT....'How come you know tat?! '
'Because;
this is a dry-cleaners.'
LT says to his pal, 'Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Millen, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Mississippi drawl so's they don't know.'
They go in and LT says with his best fake Mississippi drawl, 'I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ....'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'Ya'll are from Georgia, ain't you?'
'Well...yeah,' says a surprised LT....'How come you know tat?! '
'Because;
this is a dry-cleaners.'
olly
08-11-2008, 01:58 PM
AL...........that joke was soooo funny,had me and my son in stiches.
CAPT AL............my son does a really good alabama accent and is so funny.
i try to get him to talk to lorie,if she heard his impression she would either be mortified or totally crack up with laughter.
take real good care both of you.
caroline:-D
CAPT AL............my son does a really good alabama accent and is so funny.
i try to get him to talk to lorie,if she heard his impression she would either be mortified or totally crack up with laughter.
take real good care both of you.
caroline:-D
olly
08-12-2008, 03:06 PM
ok,i know this thread is to cheer people up.
i found this in the paper today
i thought you may want to read about these poor misfortunate souls and there sudden bizzare way of leaving this world.
link was too long,you can go to www.dailymail.co.uk and type in dead unlucky in search.
these are extracts from a new book 101 ways to die.
here are a few of the weirdest.
A 58-year-old man from Albany, Australia, was blowing a chewing gum bubble while driving when it burst and stuck to his glasses. Blinded, he drove off the road and plunged down a hill to his death.
A 40-year-old golfer was killed by a rat which ran up his trouser leg while he hunted for a lost ball at Caddockstown golf course in County Kildare, Ireland. Doctors believe that the deadly Weil's disease carried by the rat was passed from the victim's fingers to his mouth, when he touched his leg and then smoked a cigar.
A man from Cambridgeshire was killed in February 2004 when his wardrobe fell to the floor and pinned the door shut while he was cleaning inside. He was found dead inside after trying to gouge his way out for a week.
In the United States, an average of ten people a year meet their end after breathing in gas from manure pits. In 1989, five dairy farm workers from Michigan died after becoming overcome by methane fumes when one of them slipped into a manure pit, and the others went to try to rescue him.
In March 1989, in South Carolina, prisoner Michael Anderson Godwin, who had recently had his sentence of execution by electric chair reduced to life imprisonment, died while he was sitting on the metal toilet in his cell. He was trying to fix his TV set, bit into the wire and electrocuted himself.
In March 1992, Russian chess grand master Gudkov outwitted and checkmated a computer three times in a row at a public tournament in Moscow. The next time he touched the machine, however, it electrocuted him and, despite being rushed to hospital, he died.
In 1996, a peasant woman who was boiling plums to make brandy in the Romanian village of Ruginoasa died when the flames under her stove set off a buried World War II shell.
In November 2005, Li Xiao Meng, 16, a budding guitarist from China, got so carried away while bouncing on his bed mimicking a rock star that he flew out of his window and fell three floors to his death.
Shy Japanese couple Sachi and Tomio Hidaka waited 14 years before making love for the first time in 1992. The excitement proved too much and both died of heart attacks, although neither had a history of heart trouble.
A Brazilian pilot was showing off to his girlfriend by performing loop-the-loops over her house in his Cessna aircraft. At the bottom of one loop, he flew low over the house and shouted 'I love you' - just before the wing of his plane clipped the chimney and sent the plane crashing to the ground, killing him instantly.
take good care,you never know .
caroline
i found this in the paper today
i thought you may want to read about these poor misfortunate souls and there sudden bizzare way of leaving this world.
link was too long,you can go to www.dailymail.co.uk and type in dead unlucky in search.
these are extracts from a new book 101 ways to die.
here are a few of the weirdest.
A 58-year-old man from Albany, Australia, was blowing a chewing gum bubble while driving when it burst and stuck to his glasses. Blinded, he drove off the road and plunged down a hill to his death.
A 40-year-old golfer was killed by a rat which ran up his trouser leg while he hunted for a lost ball at Caddockstown golf course in County Kildare, Ireland. Doctors believe that the deadly Weil's disease carried by the rat was passed from the victim's fingers to his mouth, when he touched his leg and then smoked a cigar.
A man from Cambridgeshire was killed in February 2004 when his wardrobe fell to the floor and pinned the door shut while he was cleaning inside. He was found dead inside after trying to gouge his way out for a week.
In the United States, an average of ten people a year meet their end after breathing in gas from manure pits. In 1989, five dairy farm workers from Michigan died after becoming overcome by methane fumes when one of them slipped into a manure pit, and the others went to try to rescue him.
In March 1989, in South Carolina, prisoner Michael Anderson Godwin, who had recently had his sentence of execution by electric chair reduced to life imprisonment, died while he was sitting on the metal toilet in his cell. He was trying to fix his TV set, bit into the wire and electrocuted himself.
In March 1992, Russian chess grand master Gudkov outwitted and checkmated a computer three times in a row at a public tournament in Moscow. The next time he touched the machine, however, it electrocuted him and, despite being rushed to hospital, he died.
In 1996, a peasant woman who was boiling plums to make brandy in the Romanian village of Ruginoasa died when the flames under her stove set off a buried World War II shell.
In November 2005, Li Xiao Meng, 16, a budding guitarist from China, got so carried away while bouncing on his bed mimicking a rock star that he flew out of his window and fell three floors to his death.
Shy Japanese couple Sachi and Tomio Hidaka waited 14 years before making love for the first time in 1992. The excitement proved too much and both died of heart attacks, although neither had a history of heart trouble.
A Brazilian pilot was showing off to his girlfriend by performing loop-the-loops over her house in his Cessna aircraft. At the bottom of one loop, he flew low over the house and shouted 'I love you' - just before the wing of his plane clipped the chimney and sent the plane crashing to the ground, killing him instantly.
take good care,you never know .
caroline
karin
08-13-2008, 01:43 PM
A man visits his elderly father in the nursing home. Just before bedtime, the nurse enters and gives the dad his medication: a little yellow pill and a (familiar looking) blue pill.
After saying goodnight he stops at the nursing station, and asks the nurse:
"I would just like to know what my dad's meds are for."
"Oh, no problem. The little yellow one is to help him fall asleep."
"Well, that's fine, but what in the world does he need the Viagra for?"
"He gets the Viagra, so he doesn't roll over and fall out of bed at night."
After saying goodnight he stops at the nursing station, and asks the nurse:
"I would just like to know what my dad's meds are for."
"Oh, no problem. The little yellow one is to help him fall asleep."
"Well, that's fine, but what in the world does he need the Viagra for?"
"He gets the Viagra, so he doesn't roll over and fall out of bed at night."
brendapals
08-14-2008, 11:40 PM
ok kids, here is my cheerful addition to the forum tonight!
I just figured out how to make the smiley faces show up:roll::cool::lol:, I thought it was just putting the words in there, boy, was I silly!
So now I guess we can look for me to add little faces once in a while, makes it a banner day for me!
hugs and prayers to all,
Keep the faith,
brenda
I just figured out how to make the smiley faces show up:roll::cool::lol:, I thought it was just putting the words in there, boy, was I silly!
So now I guess we can look for me to add little faces once in a while, makes it a banner day for me!
hugs and prayers to all,
Keep the faith,
brenda
olly
08-15-2008, 08:58 AM
HOW TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE.
1 open a new file on your computer.
2 name it "housework".
3 send it to the "recycle bin".
4 empty the "recycle bin".
5 your computer will ask you "are you sure you want to delete house work
permanetly"?.
6 calmly answer "yes" and press the mouse button firmly.
7 house work is done :twisted:.................feel better?
take good care.
caroline:-D
1 open a new file on your computer.
2 name it "housework".
3 send it to the "recycle bin".
4 empty the "recycle bin".
5 your computer will ask you "are you sure you want to delete house work
permanetly"?.
6 calmly answer "yes" and press the mouse button firmly.
7 house work is done :twisted:.................feel better?
take good care.
caroline:-D
Al
08-15-2008, 10:29 PM
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said the chemist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
'I am 96' said the old man . 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said the chemist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
'I am 96' said the old man . 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'
BethU
08-16-2008, 09:34 PM
Since there's no thread on "Ways Emotional Lability Has Publically Humiliated You Recently," I'll have to post this here.
This is what I HOPE will be the dumbest over-reaction in my life:
At the grocery store this afternoon, the checker remembered that I take both paper and plastic, and I burst into tears.
BethU
This is what I HOPE will be the dumbest over-reaction in my life:
At the grocery store this afternoon, the checker remembered that I take both paper and plastic, and I burst into tears.
BethU
happy
08-21-2008, 05:39 PM
A zebra dies and goes to heaven, upon entering the gate St Peter is standing there waiting. The zebra asks Peter, I am not ready to die, I always wanted to know if I am a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. St Peter told the zebra go and ask God.
The zebra stands before God and asks God am I a black zebra with white stripes or a white zebra with black stripes....God replied "You are what you are"
the zebra returns to St Peter and he said God didn't say, he only said "You are what you are."
St. Peter said, "Then you must be a white zebra with black stripes" because if you were a black zebra with white stripes he would have said " You is what you is". :mrgreen:
The zebra stands before God and asks God am I a black zebra with white stripes or a white zebra with black stripes....God replied "You are what you are"
the zebra returns to St Peter and he said God didn't say, he only said "You are what you are."
St. Peter said, "Then you must be a white zebra with black stripes" because if you were a black zebra with white stripes he would have said " You is what you is". :mrgreen:
quadbliss
08-22-2008, 05:06 PM
I don't think racial jokes, or any joke that could potentially alienate or hurt people, are appropriate on this forum.
happy
08-22-2008, 09:59 PM
Sorry for offending you...but that was not racial. It's a fact of life, there is such a thing as black and white...and it is not a secret that some cultures speak differently...I live in Ca a very culturally diverse place I even told this joke to a good friend who is black...she loved it. It is only offensive to those who are eager to find the differences. What about polish jokes or the like do you find those racially offensive?
I do not apologize for trying to find humor in life...no one was targeted here.
I do not apologize for trying to find humor in life...no one was targeted here.
happy
08-22-2008, 10:35 PM
And one more thing, looking back at the other jokes what about drunks, there are those you know...it's a real disease too, or people that love Jesus they might be totally offendend, or people with Missippi accents what about that can you deny that they have a different accent than most? Come on where did your funny bone go? This really annoys me.
happy
08-22-2008, 11:15 PM
Actually the more I think about it I am kinda offended myself that you would even think Iwas tring to be racial...take a look at my profile I have posted some pictures of my best friends..under Happy's Group. I've got to leave this alone.
BethU
08-22-2008, 11:23 PM
OK, let's try this one....
An old man wanted to hoe his potato patch, but couldn't manage it alone, and his only son was in prison.
He wrote his son, "I guess I won't be able to plant potatoes this year, without you here to help me."
Son wrote back, "Dad, for heaven's sake, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the guns!"
Next day, a dozen FBI agents and a platoon of cops showed up and dug up the garden. Finding nothing, they apologized and left.
Day after that, the man got a letter from his son: "Dear Dad, go on and plant the potatoes. This was the best I could do under the circumstances."
BethU
An old man wanted to hoe his potato patch, but couldn't manage it alone, and his only son was in prison.
He wrote his son, "I guess I won't be able to plant potatoes this year, without you here to help me."
Son wrote back, "Dad, for heaven's sake, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the guns!"
Next day, a dozen FBI agents and a platoon of cops showed up and dug up the garden. Finding nothing, they apologized and left.
Day after that, the man got a letter from his son: "Dear Dad, go on and plant the potatoes. This was the best I could do under the circumstances."
BethU
rose
08-23-2008, 12:36 AM
OK, let's try this one....
An old man wanted to hoe his potato patch, but couldn't manage it alone, and his only son was in prison.
He wrote his son, "I guess I won't be able to plant potatoes this year, without you here to help me."
Son wrote back, "Dad, for heaven's sake, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the guns!"
Next day, a dozen FBI agents and a platoon of cops showed up and dug up the garden. Finding nothing, they apologized and left.
Day after that, the man got a letter from his son: "Dear Dad, go on and plant the potatoes. This was the best I could do under the circumstances."
BethU
:):-D:mrgreen:
An old man wanted to hoe his potato patch, but couldn't manage it alone, and his only son was in prison.
He wrote his son, "I guess I won't be able to plant potatoes this year, without you here to help me."
Son wrote back, "Dad, for heaven's sake, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the guns!"
Next day, a dozen FBI agents and a platoon of cops showed up and dug up the garden. Finding nothing, they apologized and left.
Day after that, the man got a letter from his son: "Dear Dad, go on and plant the potatoes. This was the best I could do under the circumstances."
BethU
:):-D:mrgreen:
rose
08-23-2008, 12:39 AM
Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts. "Watch the wall!!!" :cool:
**************************************** ***********************
WHAT A CHOICE
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts. "Watch the wall!!!" :cool:
**************************************** ***********************
WHAT A CHOICE
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
rose
08-23-2008, 12:51 AM
Painless Childbirth
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the
doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of
the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%
pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood
pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to
him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the
doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of
the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%
pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood
pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to
him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch
olly
08-23-2008, 09:12 AM
first two jokes were great ,but i did not get the labour pains one:lol:
sorry for being so dim:oops:
take good care
caroline:-D
sorry for being so dim:oops:
take good care
caroline:-D
olly
08-23-2008, 09:19 AM
i thought the zebra joke was great,made me laugh and not at all in bad taste.
i have had many friends from different nationalities and i don't have a racist bone in my body,but jokes done in good taste and not offensive i think are ok.
i think all the political correctness in the world has gone a bit overboard.
its good to laugh at ourselves and each other,in good taste of course.
take good care
caroline:-D
i have had many friends from different nationalities and i don't have a racist bone in my body,but jokes done in good taste and not offensive i think are ok.
i think all the political correctness in the world has gone a bit overboard.
its good to laugh at ourselves and each other,in good taste of course.
take good care
caroline:-D
olly
08-23-2008, 09:26 AM
:shock: i just re-read your joke rose and i got it:lol:
the mailman was the father.
i think i may need a lie down for an hour.
take good care
caroline:-D
the mailman was the father.
i think i may need a lie down for an hour.
take good care
caroline:-D
rose
08-23-2008, 10:08 AM
LOL, that's ok, it took me a few moments to get Beth's :-D
quadbliss
08-23-2008, 06:41 PM
happy,
I wanted to publicly apologize to you because I publicly accused you of posting a racial joke. I am sorry that I caused you to feel offended and upset.
Please allow me to explain my position. To me, a joke that uses the stereotyped behavior of a particular group of people as the punch line, is wrong. It not only perpetuates the stereotype, it can also hurt members of the group it is aimed at.
Having said this, I am truly sorry. I did not mean to insinuate that you were a racist. I realize my views are a bit "overboard" compared to most, and this is not the first time my emotional opinions have gotten me into trouble on this forum.
Mike
I wanted to publicly apologize to you because I publicly accused you of posting a racial joke. I am sorry that I caused you to feel offended and upset.
Please allow me to explain my position. To me, a joke that uses the stereotyped behavior of a particular group of people as the punch line, is wrong. It not only perpetuates the stereotype, it can also hurt members of the group it is aimed at.
Having said this, I am truly sorry. I did not mean to insinuate that you were a racist. I realize my views are a bit "overboard" compared to most, and this is not the first time my emotional opinions have gotten me into trouble on this forum.
Mike
happy
08-23-2008, 07:47 PM
Quadbliss, thank you. I apologize too for overreacting. At least we now know where our hearts are. Be at peace my friend.
Happy
Happy
MtPockets
08-24-2008, 12:22 PM
That is the kind of attitude that makes this Forum so special.
happy
08-24-2008, 10:16 PM
Al, there are no words to express what a great man I think you are....angel kisses and heavens mist to you my dear friend.....I'm sad when I think of what you are enduring...
My prayers are with you.
Happy
My prayers are with you.
Happy
rose
08-24-2008, 10:31 PM
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
Al
08-24-2008, 10:37 PM
OK guys. I really do think most people in North America have lost their sense of humor. Everyone is over reacting in order to be politically correct. That being said, after all this , did any one think to ask the zebra in question if he was offended? I think not.
AL.
AL.
rose
08-24-2008, 10:41 PM
IF CONDOMS HAD SPONSORS, here are some fitting tag lines...
Nike: Just do it
Chevy Truck: Like a rock
McDonalds: We love to see you smile
Bounty: The quicker picker-upper
KFC: Finger licking good
Energizer: It keeps going and going
Nike: Just do it
Chevy Truck: Like a rock
McDonalds: We love to see you smile
Bounty: The quicker picker-upper
KFC: Finger licking good
Energizer: It keeps going and going
BethU
08-24-2008, 11:07 PM
OK guys. I really do think most people in North America have lost their sense of humor. Everyone is over reacting in order to be politically correct. That being said, after all this , did any one think to ask the zebra in question if he was offended? I think not.AL.
And WHY do you just automatically assume that the zebra had to be a he?? You know if the zebra was wearing vertical stripes, it HAD to be a female. (Stripes are so slimming.)
Cheesh!
BethU
And WHY do you just automatically assume that the zebra had to be a he?? You know if the zebra was wearing vertical stripes, it HAD to be a female. (Stripes are so slimming.)
Cheesh!
BethU
happy
08-25-2008, 12:16 AM
it was a male in my eyes a cute little baby zebra
BethU
08-25-2008, 12:24 AM
IF CONDOMS HAD SPONSORS, here are some fitting tag lines...
Please Note: This is all Rose's fault. I feel so naughty.
It's the things that make you go Mmmmm.
(McDonalds)
It melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
(M&Ms)
We really move our tail for you.
(Continental Airlines)
The other white meat.
(Pork)
BethU:oops:
Please Note: This is all Rose's fault. I feel so naughty.
It's the things that make you go Mmmmm.
(McDonalds)
It melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
(M&Ms)
We really move our tail for you.
(Continental Airlines)
The other white meat.
(Pork)
BethU:oops:
happy
08-25-2008, 12:38 AM
Any one heard of the movie Talledega Knights the Ballad of Ricky Bobby when he says " dear lord baby jesus sittin in your lil ghost manger readin your books and watchin your baby einstien developmental videos learnin about shapes and colors......"
I also love the scene in Bewitched when nicole kidman pulls her ear and it makes Will Ferrell say " where art thou dog? thy kanine lover, where is the hot breath upon the nape of y neck, you shall lick my face and I shall lick your snout!!!" Just some funny sences that I hope wil l cheer you up'
Happy
I also love the scene in Bewitched when nicole kidman pulls her ear and it makes Will Ferrell say " where art thou dog? thy kanine lover, where is the hot breath upon the nape of y neck, you shall lick my face and I shall lick your snout!!!" Just some funny sences that I hope wil l cheer you up'
Happy
MtPockets
08-25-2008, 12:22 PM
And I thought I was Abby-normal...:-D:-D:-D:-D
olly
08-25-2008, 01:54 PM
rose and bethu............you made me blush:oops:
capt al.........i think we are all a bit abby-normal on this forum:lol:
take good care.
caroline
capt al.........i think we are all a bit abby-normal on this forum:lol:
take good care.
caroline
happy
08-25-2008, 02:11 PM
Okay here's one I found...sorry about the bad language.
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit." :twisted:
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit." :twisted:
ZenArcher
08-25-2008, 02:49 PM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZOR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . Now give me back my dog.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZOR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . Now give me back my dog.
BethU
08-25-2008, 03:18 PM
Hah ! :-) :-) :-)
Al
08-25-2008, 03:38 PM
I got this from a friend here today I was schooled by nuns so can relate. I LMAO.
The value of a
Catholic education and a #2 pencil
Little Susie was not the best student
in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while
she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted...........
The value of a
Catholic education and a #2 pencil
Little Susie was not the best student
in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while
she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted...........
happy
08-25-2008, 05:07 PM
If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, "You are wrong." This method works every time.
Henry Link
Henry Link
rose
08-25-2008, 05:09 PM
I got this from a friend here today I was schooled by nuns so can relate. I LMAO.
The value of a
Catholic education and a #2 pencil
Little Susie was not the best student
in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while
she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted...........
Al this is too strange! I almost posted that one yesterday instead of my "bus" one. Is this a great minds think alike moment???? (given the material, most likely not LOL)
Beth U, having flown for Continental, I choked on my coffee when I read that you posted one of our old slogans! That one will just never go away, but one can hope.8)
The value of a
Catholic education and a #2 pencil
Little Susie was not the best student
in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while
she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted...........
Al this is too strange! I almost posted that one yesterday instead of my "bus" one. Is this a great minds think alike moment???? (given the material, most likely not LOL)
Beth U, having flown for Continental, I choked on my coffee when I read that you posted one of our old slogans! That one will just never go away, but one can hope.8)
Al
08-25-2008, 08:20 PM
I received it from Beebe in a private email. So does this qualify as a menage a trois or as the non french speakers would call a threesome? LOL.
al.
al.
ZenArcher
08-25-2008, 08:34 PM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather, age 97, had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
happy
08-25-2008, 08:49 PM
Rose? Al? What's going on here?
happy
08-25-2008, 08:50 PM
Good one, Zen
BethU
08-25-2008, 09:30 PM
having flown for Continental, I choked on my coffee when I read that you posted one of our old slogans! That one will just never go away, but one can hope.8)
I wonder what advertising genius thought it up. It cries out for double meanings, doesn't it?
Zen ... dang nab it, those ice cream trucks will get you every time! :-) :-) :-)
I wonder what advertising genius thought it up. It cries out for double meanings, doesn't it?
Zen ... dang nab it, those ice cream trucks will get you every time! :-) :-) :-)
Al
08-25-2008, 10:19 PM
Happy. It would lose something in the translation if we explained it. It wouldn't be nearly as funny.
AL.
AL.
BethU
08-26-2008, 04:45 PM
This can’t compete with the lawn mower escapades, but it does show that you don’t need ALS to have a bad hair day.
Scene: About 1970, the era of women’s wigs, at a major intersection in Glendale, me in my ‘66 Mustang (“Charlie Horse”), windows open, gorgeous summer afternoon, pulled into the intersection waiting for the light to change to make a left turn. Light changes, opposing cars stop, I start my turn and some creep guns it from the curb lane to beat the light, and broadsides my car.
My wig flips off my head out the window into the intersection. (“OMG, my wig !!!”). I pull the car out of the intersection to the curb, and duck down, trying to get the bobby pins out of my hair. I’m in my mid-30s, but most of my hair is already gray, and I just let it go and let it grow under my trusty wig. So I’m hunched over in the car, trying to comb my hair with my fingers, and people are crowded around, peering in the window, thinking I’m injured and in pain because I’m clawing at my hair.
Meanwhile, much commotion and screams coming from the bus stop across the street.
From my left side rear-view mirror, I can see my wig in the intersection. Traffic goes one way, and it tumbles along in that direction a few times. A few people run over it. Then the light changes, and the wig starts tumbling in another direction. Back and forth and all around it tumbles in the intersection.
From the distance, I hear a siren. Thank God, I think, I can hide out in an ambulance. But the ambulance pulls up to the bus stop, not to me. Someone gets loaded on a stretcher and it drives away.
Suddenly, a kid from the corner gas station pushes his way through the crowd, holding my wig with his index finger and thumb, pinky in the air, like it was fresh road kill. He says, “Is this yours, lady?”
I grab it and shove it down on my head. Dignity restored, I let people pull me from the car. As I wait for the cops (the guy who plowed into me had only managed to get his car a half block, then he took off running. Car had been stolen), I talk to the onlookers, or as I think of them, defense witnesses, and get the whole story.
A woman at the bus stop, who happened to be an epileptic, saw my wig fly off, and thought it was my head. The screams I’d heard as my wig tumbled around the intersection were hers. “The head! The head!” The woman then had a grand mal seizure. Hence the ambulance.
I noticed as I talked to the cops and the tow truck driver and my witnesses that people were looking at me very strangely and not getting any too close.
When I got home, I looked in the mirror ... and there I was, gray hair sticking out all around my head, with the brown wig perched precariously on top ... backwards! ... with tread marks on it !!
To this day, I still make three right turns to avoid making one left turn at that intersection.
BethU
Scene: About 1970, the era of women’s wigs, at a major intersection in Glendale, me in my ‘66 Mustang (“Charlie Horse”), windows open, gorgeous summer afternoon, pulled into the intersection waiting for the light to change to make a left turn. Light changes, opposing cars stop, I start my turn and some creep guns it from the curb lane to beat the light, and broadsides my car.
My wig flips off my head out the window into the intersection. (“OMG, my wig !!!”). I pull the car out of the intersection to the curb, and duck down, trying to get the bobby pins out of my hair. I’m in my mid-30s, but most of my hair is already gray, and I just let it go and let it grow under my trusty wig. So I’m hunched over in the car, trying to comb my hair with my fingers, and people are crowded around, peering in the window, thinking I’m injured and in pain because I’m clawing at my hair.
Meanwhile, much commotion and screams coming from the bus stop across the street.
From my left side rear-view mirror, I can see my wig in the intersection. Traffic goes one way, and it tumbles along in that direction a few times. A few people run over it. Then the light changes, and the wig starts tumbling in another direction. Back and forth and all around it tumbles in the intersection.
From the distance, I hear a siren. Thank God, I think, I can hide out in an ambulance. But the ambulance pulls up to the bus stop, not to me. Someone gets loaded on a stretcher and it drives away.
Suddenly, a kid from the corner gas station pushes his way through the crowd, holding my wig with his index finger and thumb, pinky in the air, like it was fresh road kill. He says, “Is this yours, lady?”
I grab it and shove it down on my head. Dignity restored, I let people pull me from the car. As I wait for the cops (the guy who plowed into me had only managed to get his car a half block, then he took off running. Car had been stolen), I talk to the onlookers, or as I think of them, defense witnesses, and get the whole story.
A woman at the bus stop, who happened to be an epileptic, saw my wig fly off, and thought it was my head. The screams I’d heard as my wig tumbled around the intersection were hers. “The head! The head!” The woman then had a grand mal seizure. Hence the ambulance.
I noticed as I talked to the cops and the tow truck driver and my witnesses that people were looking at me very strangely and not getting any too close.
When I got home, I looked in the mirror ... and there I was, gray hair sticking out all around my head, with the brown wig perched precariously on top ... backwards! ... with tread marks on it !!
To this day, I still make three right turns to avoid making one left turn at that intersection.
BethU
olly
08-26-2008, 06:48 PM
:shock::lol::shock::lol::shock::lol:: ::lol::shock::lol:
sorry i can not stop laughing,that is the funniest thing i have heard in a long time.
godbless your wig.
caroline:-D
sorry i can not stop laughing,that is the funniest thing i have heard in a long time.
godbless your wig.
caroline:-D
brendapals
08-26-2008, 11:18 PM
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Beth
absolutely hilarious!
brenda
Beth
absolutely hilarious!
brenda
Al
08-27-2008, 12:52 AM
Priceless absolutely priceless LMAO.
AL.
AL.
MtPockets
08-27-2008, 12:05 PM
Next time I will go pee before reading this.:-D:-D:-D
rose
08-27-2008, 12:29 PM
Hysterical! everytime I even start to think about it I laugh out loud!
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: :lol:
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: :lol:
MtPockets
08-27-2008, 01:11 PM
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and over fifty for Miss America ?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to
tell the difference.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get
into my own pants.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the
Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher and, since it's in English,
thank a soldier"
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t172/ShakeyMarble/Animations/shakyCat.gif
and over fifty for Miss America ?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to
tell the difference.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get
into my own pants.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the
Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher and, since it's in English,
thank a soldier"
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t172/ShakeyMarble/Animations/shakyCat.gif
olly
08-27-2008, 01:46 PM
i love the kitty:lol:
here is one of my favourites.
take good care.
caroline:-D
here is one of my favourites.
take good care.
caroline:-D
olly
08-27-2008, 02:50 PM
here is one of my favourite video clips.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2O0k7e5ApFU
here is another hilarious one
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eMMEyfUzIxM&feature=related
take good care
caroline:-D
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2O0k7e5ApFU
here is another hilarious one
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eMMEyfUzIxM&feature=related
take good care
caroline:-D
Beebe
08-27-2008, 05:14 PM
Hi there, This thread gets better and better. We all need a good laugh. Now, if I could paste and copy like I've been shown, can't tell you how many times, I have some good emails I know you'll enjoy. I'll ask Kenny AGAIN . (My Grandson) Have a good day and keep the Humor coming!! Fondly, Beebe
gimpydad'slady
08-27-2008, 06:09 PM
BethU...that was hilarious...that would be something you would see in a movie...
Thought I'd share this one...definately not as funny as BethU's story...but warrants a little giggle...hope all of you are well.....
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain,
and the wind was blowing 20 mph. > > I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad throughout the day. > > I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. > > There I cuddled up to my
wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The
weather out there is terrible.' > > My loving wife of twenty
years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that
crap?' > > I still don't know if she was joking....
Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo
with the other. He says to the waiter > 'Want coffee.'
> The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.' > He gets the
Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in
one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks
out. > The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks
up to the counter and says to the waiter. > 'Want coffee.' > The
waiter says. 'Whoa, Tonto! > We're still cleaning up your mess
from yesterday > What was all that about, anyway?' > The Indian
smiles and proudly says > 'Training for position in United States
Congress: > Come in, drink coffee, > Shoot the bull, > Leave mess for
others to clean up, > Disappear for rest of day. > > > ? > >
Thought I'd share this one...definately not as funny as BethU's story...but warrants a little giggle...hope all of you are well.....
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain,
and the wind was blowing 20 mph. > > I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad throughout the day. > > I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. > > There I cuddled up to my
wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The
weather out there is terrible.' > > My loving wife of twenty
years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that
crap?' > > I still don't know if she was joking....
Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo
with the other. He says to the waiter > 'Want coffee.'
> The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.' > He gets the
Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in
one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks
out. > The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks
up to the counter and says to the waiter. > 'Want coffee.' > The
waiter says. 'Whoa, Tonto! > We're still cleaning up your mess
from yesterday > What was all that about, anyway?' > The Indian
smiles and proudly says > 'Training for position in United States
Congress: > Come in, drink coffee, > Shoot the bull, > Leave mess for
others to clean up, > Disappear for rest of day. > > > ? > >
Al
08-28-2008, 05:26 PM
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
Al
09-11-2008, 01:15 PM
How to sell a dead horse
Young Chuck, moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works for the government
Young Chuck, moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works for the government
MtPockets
09-11-2008, 04:39 PM
All I Can Say Is Great Ones LOL
MtPockets
09-12-2008, 08:49 AM
The next Hurricane, since it begins with a K should be named Kleptomaniac Defined as: An obsessive impulse to steal regardless of economic need.
Because it will probably steal what little everyone has left. :):):):)
Because it will probably steal what little everyone has left. :):):):)
rose
09-12-2008, 01:24 PM
I love the Klepto idea 8-)
..... and, as until only relatively recently (1980 maybe?) hurricanes were always only women's names.....
**************************************** *****************
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her
> sperm, she'll give you a baby.
> If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her
> groceries, she'll give you a meal.
> If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
> enlarges what is given to her.
>
> So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of s@*t.'
> Author unknown
..... and, as until only relatively recently (1980 maybe?) hurricanes were always only women's names.....
**************************************** *****************
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her
> sperm, she'll give you a baby.
> If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her
> groceries, she'll give you a meal.
> If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
> enlarges what is given to her.
>
> So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of s@*t.'
> Author unknown
BethU
09-13-2008, 10:59 AM
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the
remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
---------------------------
Wish I could give credit to the author of this, but it's floating anonymously around the Internet ....
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the
remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
---------------------------
Wish I could give credit to the author of this, but it's floating anonymously around the Internet ....
trying to stay positive
09-14-2008, 12:33 AM
I read the HMO joke on a site called mountainwings. Here is another from the site.
The Pastor's Donkey
=============
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in
another race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to
get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news,
Posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could
run free.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY???
1. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief
and misery and even shorten your life.
2. What makes one person convulse with laughter just sends
another into convulsions. Jokes are the most forwarded issues
but jokes also get the most complaints.
3. The donkey is usually not at fault for any of it.
(2 Pet 2:16 KJV) But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb
ass speaking with man's voice forbad the madness of the prophet.
The Pastor's Donkey
=============
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in
another race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to
get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news,
Posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could
run free.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY???
1. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief
and misery and even shorten your life.
2. What makes one person convulse with laughter just sends
another into convulsions. Jokes are the most forwarded issues
but jokes also get the most complaints.
3. The donkey is usually not at fault for any of it.
(2 Pet 2:16 KJV) But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb
ass speaking with man's voice forbad the madness of the prophet.
rose
09-16-2008, 12:28 AM
Gambling Blonde
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and
squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and
squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men
Noid
09-16-2008, 03:51 AM
I figured out how to fix global warming..quick..everybody stick your air conditioners in your windows backwards....hurry
Al
09-24-2008, 01:06 PM
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It
seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special
day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim
Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of
the boat ....
and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he
asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake
lik e my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because
your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born
in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass'.
seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special
day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim
Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of
the boat ....
and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he
asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake
lik e my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because
your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born
in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass'.
gbrown
09-24-2008, 01:07 PM
:lol:About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.'
The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.'
The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'
Pass this along and make someone smile today
Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.
Laugh... it burns calories
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.'
The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.'
The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'
Pass this along and make someone smile today
Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.
Laugh... it burns calories
JACKIEMAX
09-25-2008, 05:41 PM
Just Had To Share This With You All. Today, Hospice Lpn, And Our Dear Friend, Sue, Our Former Home Health Care Cnt, Came At The Same Time This Morn. And
Put Horace In The Hoyer Lift, To A Borrowed Wheelchair, Put His Bipap On
A Rolling Cart, And Wheeled Him Outside On The Adjoining Back Deck To
See Our Back Yard, Trees He Planted Himself, And Had Not Seen Or Been Outside Since Before X-mas.
The Weather Was Beautiful, And He Stayed Out There An Hour. It Was A Lot
Of Work To Get Him Up And Out There, But It Was Wonderful And It Made
Him Soooo Happy..
We Have A Table Out There With A Lot Of Bonsai Trees He Trimmed And
And Structured Himself, And He Was Able To See Them Again Up Close.
This Is Just A Story Of Joy And Hope For Some Joyful Days In This Monster
Disease.
Jackiemax
Put Horace In The Hoyer Lift, To A Borrowed Wheelchair, Put His Bipap On
A Rolling Cart, And Wheeled Him Outside On The Adjoining Back Deck To
See Our Back Yard, Trees He Planted Himself, And Had Not Seen Or Been Outside Since Before X-mas.
The Weather Was Beautiful, And He Stayed Out There An Hour. It Was A Lot
Of Work To Get Him Up And Out There, But It Was Wonderful And It Made
Him Soooo Happy..
We Have A Table Out There With A Lot Of Bonsai Trees He Trimmed And
And Structured Himself, And He Was Able To See Them Again Up Close.
This Is Just A Story Of Joy And Hope For Some Joyful Days In This Monster
Disease.
Jackiemax
BethU
09-26-2008, 02:10 PM
Don't know if this link will pass muster(d), so to speak.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26877682/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26877682/
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