Post things to cheer up people

[CathyAmanda]

:-D

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

The wife was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleevleess with straps.

The husband was wearing his usual jeans and a T shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a huge silvewrback Gorilla.

Noticing the wife the Gorilla went crazy.....He Jumped on the bars and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded on his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited by the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited. Making noises the would rile the whole ape enclosure......

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down..............

Now show your thighs and fan your dress a little. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips...........

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the cage door and flung her into the cage with the excited gorilla and slammed the door shut and said..................


"Now tell HIM that you have a headache"

[CathyAmanda]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there St Peter says we only have one rule here in heaven:" Dont step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven and sure enough there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidently steps on one.

Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.............. St Peter chains them together and says, " Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"

The next day another one of the women steps on a duck also and along comes St Peter who doesnt miss a thing. With him is another ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all of this and not wanting to spend all eternity with an ugly man chained to her, she treads very, VERY carefully......

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks and then one day St Peter comes with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.....Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says " I wonder what I did to deserve to be chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says "I dont know about you but I stepped on a duck!"

[Al]

Now those i liked CathyAmanda.
AL.

[Montana Carol]

True story: When my son was about six, he came home from school one day and said, "Mom, my friend Robin told me how you get a baby in your tummy; but it wasn't very sanitary!"

[AngelManFL]

God Bless each and every one of, you are my second family and I wish all of you a Wonderful, Happy, Family Fun-Filled, Gloriously Merry Christmas!!! I have come to love and adore all of you any and everyone whose helped me, encouraged me, advised me or prayed for me - you all will be in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers today - may we all make it through probably tired and exhausted by the end of the day - but let's pray it is a wonderful Christmas for all us.. May God bless all the CALS who work so hard to make it so wonderful us.. Merry Christmas!

God Rocks and Rules! :-D

[MtPockets]

Have you ever run into one of these?

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two!
We haven't used Sears repair since.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed, and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS .

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

And you thought you were having a bad day? :-D
God Bless
Capt AL

[Al]

What was messed up Al? You or the posting?
LOL.
AL.

[MtPockets]

Me as usual. Too many pain pills is my excuse, and I'm stickingto it. :-D:-D

[MtPockets]

Uh.....Hit submit twice.

God Bless
Capt AL

[Al]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, my wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was in the check out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I probably shouldn't, I continued, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.
I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. However, I did lose 40 pounds on the diet, so I was giving it another go.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and I needed to lose a few more pounds. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my
story.)

Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I'd been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit both of us.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[joejoe]

I cant stop laughin.............. Joe:-D

[MtPockets]

Now I have a whole new picture in my mind when Ihave to buy dog food.:-D:-D

[trustinggod]

(written by 8-year-olds).

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store
and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillers.

They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

[Markbreton]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to
the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him.'

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said...

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair

[trustinggod]

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting
her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,
and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear
Lord, please don't let me late...But please don't shove me either!"
**************************************** ******************

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first
boys says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem , they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boys says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
**************************************** **************************

[Peg B]

Hi,

I liked those stories.

My dog is 3/4 Pug and one 1/4 Havaneese. His nose sticks out and so his face is not as flat as Pugs. So even though he is almost 6, he still looks like a puppy. Sometimes he does stuff that drives us crazy, so the following was sent to us several times. It's called screen cleaner.

He still does this a lot, without seeking permission.

http://www.smoothmarketplace.com/screencleaner.swf

Hope you enjoy. Peg

[trustinggod]

Cute. Very, very cute.

Thanks for sharing.

[MarciaA]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject. And, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed ,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and asked ,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"

The voice replied ,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

Happy Tuesday!
Marcia

[ZenArcher]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN. Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD ' IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot

'OLD' IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door

'OLD' IS WHEN. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN. 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today

'OLD' IS WHEN. 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN. An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN. You are not sure these are jokes!

[Marjorie R. Wilcox]

Did you all know that the new Tickle Me Elmo doll is anatomically correct?
Yes indeed, before they leave the factory they are each given two test tickles!

[MarciaA]

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20″ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”

Marcia

[ZenArcher]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!"

[paula-jane]

Okay...

During the 8 days we held a bedside vigil for my mum... more like a sit-in, and sometimes even a laugh-in. Some of the oddest, funniest and craziest moments of our lives happened.
I want to share them... maybe one at a time to let everyone know that even with death close to us all... there are lighter, funny moments.

We all have one of them... every family has one of them. I'm blessed with TWO of them... off the wall, oddball brother and an uncle. My uncle (mum's brother) arrived from Scotland to say his good-bye's to his sister. The wonderful palliative care doctor had just spent some time with the family helping us to decide on the best pain meds for mum and to speak with the family about how we are all coping etc... At the end of a difficult conversation and as the doctor is making his way to the front door... he asks if there is anything else he can do for us. Well, my uncle (in thick scottish brogue) pipes up... Aye, can ya gae me anything far me constipation? Well... doctor just smiled and made his exit.
Later that evening while serving up food with my aunt, we were both laughing so hard.. I passed her the big bottle of citro-mag (liquid laxative), crushed up a couple of oral laxatives for his dinner and passed him a suppository and told him to shove it up his.....

Mum could hear us... we asked her to blink if she heard us and if she thought that was funny... and she gave us a big blink.

[jimercat]

Thanks paula-jane for sharing that! Look forward to more stories from you!:-D

[paula-jane]

Okay...
it did not seem funny at the time.. but, I'm having a laugh now...
picturing my brother and my uncle at the end of my mum's bed just before she passed.
My brother... actually dozing off to sleep while the rest of us are trying to keep the emotions at bay and let her pass away... next thing we know... my aunt slugs my brother across the chest.. woke him up for a few minutes before he started head bobbing again... Oh my goodness... my brother is a piece of work!!! I looked across to my uncle to find him in a yoga pose humming to himself... takes all kinds I guess. Gotta laugh now!!

[Peg B]

Hi,

My mother came "home" from Florida because she had Parkinson Disease. Little did we know, for her it effected her mind more than her body. Anyway, after three days we found out she also had lung cancer and then another cancer. (WAIT - this is not a sad story) After four years of taking increasingly more care of her and reworking lots of information she would mix up, the following occured.

She was in the hospital and I went to visit. She told me my Uncle (her brother in law) was upstairs in the hospital. I explained very patiently, with a sigh, and probably somewhat condescendingly, that I talked to my cousin the day before and my uncle and aunt were on vacation down South. She said, "No he is here." Again, I started in my patient tone to explain... and she interrrupted me very clearly. "No, your uncle was on vacation, he started hemorrhaging and they brought him here. Paul and Phil and Jean, are here and they all stopped by to see me. - SO THERE!. and she stuck her tongue out at me. I laughed, apologized and never spoke down to her again. She was right you know. Best Wishes, Peg

[MtPockets]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

[DeeMichelle]

This really is a fantastic forum I've got tonnes of info about ALS and now jokes....

The poodle joke is great I've told it everyone and it reminds me of a book called The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler which is really great for kids under 6. Anyway, I don't have a joke as good as that but here goes...GROAN...

1. The Pope flies into Britain and is met at the airport by the best limousine in the world it has every gadget you can imagine.

The driver opens the door for the Pope and the Pope says "Wow can I drive?"

Driver says "No way Your Holiness it's more than my life's worth my job is to keep you safe."

Pope says "Please let me drive I'm really a very good driver."

Driver "No way Most Holy Father."

Pope "Look now I'm the Pope and yep I am Most Holy so let me drive and I'll bless you." The driver reluctantly lets the Pope drive. The Pope drives along happily, but then gets faster and faster and pretty soon they hear sirens as the police signal for the limo to pull over. The Pope winds down the window and says "Officer I am very sorry, but I can explain this extraordinary situation."

Police officer who looks ashen says "Your Holiness please wait while I radio my superior."

Police officer speaks to control unit "Get me the Chief of Police fast"

Control "You can't speak to the Chief"

Police Officer "I must NOW!"

Chief of Police comes on "This better be good."

Police Officer "Sir I pulled over a Limo that was going at over 100 miles an hour God must be in the back because The Pope is the chauffeur."

2. Man goes on a training course to do a parachute jump. He's very frightened, but tries really hard. He tells the course leaders that he's really afraid that his parachute won't open.
They say "Don't worry it's easy count 123 pull the cord the chute will open if it doesn't count 123 pull the emergency cord that will open."

On the day of the jump no-one least of all the man himself is sure that he will do it, but to everyone's surprise he jumps. As he descends nothing happens " Agghhh PANIC no Ok I can do this 123 pull." Nothing happens "Agghh No oK emergency chute 123 pull." Nothing happens.

Then suddenly a miracle out of no where a man wearing overalls is flying towards him like superman and grabs hold of him. The parachutist says "OH thank God do you know what to when a parachute fails to open?"

Flying man says " No I know *!*!* all about parachutes and I realise now I also know *!*!* all about gas boilers!"

[Al]

Needed to get this back up.
AL.

[BethU]

Eagles may soar ... but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

[rose]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night ."

"Aye, did ye now?" she replied. "And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

**************************************** *****************************


As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this
man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I
preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

**************************************** ****************************

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist was not amused.

**************************************** *****************************
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, Nascar 2.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[BethU]

A man was very impressed by his Mayflower ancestors and decided to write up his illustrious family history. But what to do about Uncle George, who died in the electric chair after a life of crime? No problem. His history read:

"Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

[jpruppe]

:-D A dream:
I and my wife were searching all over the house for the electronic device that might be the source of the beeping I heard. Finally I focused on one portable radio, anxiously checking to see if it had batteries that might be low.

The beeping? Coming from my BiPAP machine, with a newly installed humidifier, warning me that I was on my back for too long. The humidifier had turned itself off so I wouldn’t choke. And the device had quite properly been trying to wake me up! Clever little thing.

[Al]

Can you tell us what model you use so we'll know if ours does it? Not all models do that I'd guess.
AL.

[MtPockets]

My Bi-pap hums me to sleep, but has never woke me up, yet.
Then again maybe it was the dog snoring?
:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D

[PDaddy]

Two termites walk into a bar, and one of them asks; "Where's the bartender?"





(this joke works better spoken, not written, try - "Where's the bar tender?" ) :rolleyes:

[jpruppe]

I hesitate to name the brand or model. This was a DREAM!!

And I am not at all sure that it beeped for the reason I gave. User Manual and Tech Rep (company will go unnamed, but it rhymes with "top") are not helpful, and we are attempting to change.
JPR

[Al]

OK now I get it. Took me a couple of reads to get tender bar too. Must be having a foggy week.
AL.

[rose]

Two termites walk into a bar, and one of them asks; "Where's the bartender?"





(this joke works better spoken, not written, try - "Where's the bar tender?" ) :rolleyes:

That is a great one liner! AND its short enough to remember :cool: It took me a bit to get it too, Al. I think it makes it funnier if one does have to think a little first.

[MtPockets]

Got it finally. Tender, as in tender and juicy, hum.
I'm getting so slow in my old age.
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t172/ShakeyMarble/Animations/BabyCute.gif

[MtPockets]

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?

[PDaddy]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender said "Why the long face?"

[BethU]

A family reunion is one of the most effective forms of birth control known to man. . . .

Beth

[BethU]

A drunk decided that if he could write the Great American Drinking Song, he'd get rich.

He tried and he tried . . . but he just couldn't get past the first 3 bars.

Beth

[BethU]

Freedom is being able to do whatever you want to do, and whenever you want to do it ... without consulting anyone but your spouse, your kids, your boss, your neighbors and friends, the police, the government, your doctor and your church.

Beth

[BethU]

I'll try a little black humor ...

Three men are being interviewed by St. Peter for admission to heaven. St. Peter asks: "When you were lying in your casket, what did you most want to hear your friends say about you?"

First Man says: "I wanted them to say I was an outstanding citizen and patriot."

Second Man says: "I wanted them to say I was a devoted father and husband."

Third Man says: "I wanted them to say, 'Look, he's moving.' "

BethU

[rose]

I'll try a little black humor ...

Three men are being interviewed by St. Peter for admission to heaven. St. Peter asks: "When you were lying in your casket, what did you most want to hear your friends say about you?"

First Man says: "I wanted them to say I was an outstanding citizen and patriot."

Second Man says: "I wanted them to say I was a devoted father and husband."

Third Man says: "I wanted them to say, 'Look, he's moving.' "

BethU
:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[rose]

An 81 year old man was fishing in his boat the other day
when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and didn't see anyone. He thought he was
dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman
you have ever seen. I'll then give you more pleasure than
you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what
I said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures like you have
never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[fiddleplayer51]

Beth,
That is hilarious! :lol: :mrgreen: :lol:

Rose,
There you go again! Good one! :mrgreen: :lol: :mrgreen:

Jane

[BethU]

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

BethU

[MtPockets]

Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind - wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a great mood. And then - I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and the driver slowly gets out of his car (and you know how you get sooo-stressed and the littlest things just seem so funny?) Well, I could NOT believe it - he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well then, which one are you?"
And that's how the fight started..

(I know.....I'm just not right!!! lol...But hey!!! Life is funny!!)

[rose]

Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind - wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a great mood. And then - I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and the driver slowly gets out of his car (and you know how you get sooo-stressed and the littlest things just seem so funny?) Well, I could NOT believe it - he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well then, which one are you?"
And that's how the fight started..

(I know.....I'm just not right!!! lol...But hey!!! Life is funny!!)

That is one of the funniest stories :):):) We've all that those horrified moments when things just come unbidden from our lips, but that's right up there at the top LOL

Now, for one of my own personal embarrassment "moments"

It was quite a few years ago now, my son that is now almost 32 was a baby. We were living in a VERY small town, where everybody either knew everybody, or at least someone in common, I was sitting in a locally owned shoe store, trying on a pair of shoes, my son, who must have been around 8 months old at the time, was sitting on my lap. The little old lady (store owner's wife) is bent over my foot putting the shoe on. My son grabs a handful of her hair, and it comes off!!!! Its a wig, and he had it in his fingers and wouldn't let go, he's waving it up and down, ~ he had the bouncy leg action going too~ squealing, She clutched her head (she had one of those stocking type caps on it) and goes running into the back room.

Can I say that we never darkened the door of that shoe store again! :oops::oops::cool:

[MtPockets]

Great one Rose. :-D:-D:-D:-D:-D
Just got this by email:

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

I wish I could think that fast...............

[BethU]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he sees a little girl walking down the street with a little red wagon with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says. "Thanks," the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
---------------------------------------
BethU

[fiddleplayer51]

This is PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Believe it or not, it is an actual letter from an Austin, TX woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.


"Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending b*%@!&#t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always."

[rose]

[B

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

"

LOL ... :cool::):-D

[checkmat2]

That's funny, you made me smile and I need that.

Christina

[BethU]

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

BethU

[MtPockets]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....

[Al]

Grandmas Don't Know Everything
>>
>> He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while.
>> When he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
>> She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'.
>> Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
>> A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you, NOW!'
>>
>>

[rose]

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever.

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.

Jennifer asked her step-mother to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

.Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.' :cool:

[PDaddy]

Hey Rose,

Is the painting in your avatar the painting known as "Pinkie"? If so the original is located at the Huntington Library in San Marino (near Pasadena Calif). I live close by...

[awieleba]

Pdaddy,

wow, you didnt strike me as an "artsy fartsy", I guess you really never know! lol

[rose]

Hey Rose,

Is the painting in your avatar the painting known as "Pinkie"? If so the original is located at the Huntington Library in San Marino (near Pasadena Calif). I live close by...

PDaddy, no, I actually painted it. I used to work as a portrait artist. The little girls is in her early 20's now. Do you mean the painting by Lawrence? (I think that is the spelling)

[PDaddy]

From Wikipedia:

Pinkie is the traditional title for a portrait of 1794 by Thomas Lawrence in the permanent collection of The Huntington at San Marino, California where it hangs opposite The Blue Boy by Thomas Gainsborough. These two works are the centerpieces of the institute's art collection, which specializes in 18th-century English portraiture. The painting is an elegant depiction of Sarah Barrett Moulton, who was about eleven years old when painted. Her direct gaze and the loose, highly-movemented brushwork give the portrait a lively immediacy.

[PDaddy]

PDaddy, no, I actually painted it. I used to work as a portrait artist. The little girls is in her early 20's now. Do you mean the painting by Lawrence? (I think that is the spelling)

Rose: Damn, you're good!!! ;-)

[Al]

Boy Rose, good looks, talent, and smart and funny. Does that guy of yours know how lucky he is?
I'm not PC so there is no point in anyone telling me.
AL.

[MtPockets]

Here is a picture of "Pinkie".
Rose,like AL said you are gifted, funny, beautiful, geeze....
Then stuck with this dreaded disease. Such a shame.

[rose]

Boy Rose, good looks, talent, and smart and funny. Does that guy of yours know how lucky he is?
I'm not PC so there is no point in anyone telling me.
AL.


Al, PC is way overrated! :-D so, thank you.

And Capt. Al, I thought that was Pinkie. If I remember right, the little girl was some sort of relative to Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Yeah, I agree this disease is no present! I'd always assumed that I'd paint again after I retired. ~ I guess I'd better get going with it!

[BethU]

He who run through airport naked is going to Bangkok.


(... and this is from Cute Overload.com of all places.)
BethU

[Al]

Why English Is Hard To Learn

Youve gotta admit, its a pretty stupid language. Id hate to be a foreigner trying to learn it. Heres 21 reasons why English is a pain in the ass.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[JohnMc]

Al

You forgot to mention Al's ALS

[Al]

Good one.

AL.

[PDaddy]

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

Did he buy a sail at the sail sale?

[MtPockets]

If you want to read a funny thread go to:
http://www.alsforums.com/forum/showthread.php?p=50685#post50685
It is funnier if you go all the way back to the begining. :-D:-D