Post things to cheer up people

[Frizzel]

What do you find in a clean nose????

Finger Prints!!!!!

[Al]

Don't know if this is funny but the visual of someone on a smoking seat is. Lucky it's only in Japan.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/070416/koddities/toilets_on_fire

[liz]

I love the way they say "the fire would have been just under your buttocks". Like that's no big deal.:-D

[tabney]

Please join in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. Dough Boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Ms. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dough Boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough Boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions!

Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral will be held at 3.50....for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile. Someone else may be having a crumby day and may knead it!!:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[CindyM]

Cute, Tabney! I "kneaded" that one!

[quadbliss]

That one got a rise out of me.

Mike

[ltr]

That was "sweet".

[tabney]

Thought I would share this with all of you because laughter is the best medicine. I have appointed myself in charge of laughter. I hope no one minds.:mrgreen:

[Al]

Not a problem if you'd like to help out you can be the new king of Tomfoolery but put your stuff in People with ALS/ Post things to cheer people up. Makes things a bit tidier and makes it easier to find if you need something to brighten your day. Thanks Tab.

[patricia1]

tHIS OLD COUPLE GOES TO THEIR DOCTOR FOR A CHECK UP. THE WIFE GOES IN FIRST WHILE THE HUSBAND WAIT IN THE WAITING ROOM. THE DOCTOR ASKED THE WIFE IF HER AND HER HUSHAND HAVE RELATIONS. THE WIFE SCREAMS TO THE HUSBAND HONEY DO WE HAVE RELATIONS! NO ! THE THE HUSBAND REPLIES BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD.:mrgreen:

[tabney]

lol :mrgreen:

[tabney]

Not a problem if you'd like to help out you can be the new king of Tomfoolery but put your stuff in People with ALS/ Post things to cheer people up. Makes things a bit tidier and makes it easier to find if you need something to brighten your day. Thanks Tab.


sorry Al. I will do that.

[patricia1]

ME TOO sorry

[liz]

Hey guys, relax. I don't think Al was scolding. The jokes were funny and the responses were funny too. Glad to see you guys aren't moping around. I never was a good joke teller, so I rely on my children for stupid kid jokes. Such as..........

Kid #1: "Why did the chicken cross the playground?"

Kid #2: "To get to the other slide."

Have a nice day.

Liz

PS - Sorry Al. :-D

[Al]

No I was not scolding. I never scold. I kick butt when needed. At this time I was just suggesting as we already have a joke thread. Just trying to keep the joint tidy is all.
AL.

[CindyM]

I don't think we can have too many kings of tomfollery around here! Just my opinion. Myself, I never thought I had good timing for jokes. But people find me funny all the time...Hummm...:wink: Cindy

[Paty]

Guess what? I have a box of Pillsbury Chocolate Brownies and believe it or not these past three days I was planning on baking those delicious brownies, but since the poor little dough boy died, I will have to postpone the baking, for a week of mourning.

I love chocolate (though it gives me migraine headaches).

Paty
Husband's Caregiver Dx 10-17-05
Baja California, Mexico

P.S. I HAVE NEVER BEEN GOOD WITH JOKES

NOW LET'S BE GOOD AND GO TO THE JOKES THREAD MENTIONED BY GRAMP AL

[tabney]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roomate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beauiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure".

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner".

Several days later, John received a letter from his Mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying you don't sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that is she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love Mom".

Lesson of the day....Don't lie to your Mother!

Toni:mrgreen:

[Paty]

:mrgreen: YOU MADE MY DAY.

THANKS

PATY
HUSBAND'S CAREGIVER DX 10/17.05
BAJA CALIFORNIA, MEXICO
:-D

[tabney]

:mrgreen: YOU MADE MY DAY.

THANKS

PATY
HUSBAND'S CAREGIVER DX 10/17.05
BAJA CALIFORNIA, MEXICO
:-D

Then my job is done!:mrgreen: Your welcome Paty.

Toni

[Paty]

HI TONY:

WE ALL THANK YOU AND EVERYONE WHO POSTS SUCH WONDERFUL JOKES, WHICH MAKES US FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

LAST NIGHT I TOOK A PICTURE OF THE LITTLE FAT DUDE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY
went to see if you were still on line, but you weren't, so here it is.

HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP.

PATY
HUSBAND'S CAREGIVER DX 10/17/05
BAJA CALIFORNIA, MEXICO

[tabney]

HI TONY:

WE ALL THANK YOU AND EVERYONE WHO POSTS SUCH WONDERFUL JOKES, WHICH MAKES US FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

LAST NIGHT I TOOK A PICTURE OF THE LITTLE FAT DUDE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY
went to see if you were still on line, but you weren't, so here it is.

HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP.

PATY
HUSBAND'S CAREGIVER DX 10/17/05
BAJA CALIFORNIA, MEXICO


Paty, You made my day with the picture. Hilarious!:mrgreen: Toni

[Paty]

:mrgreen: That's what is all about to laugh a little bit.
I really took the picture last night from my kitchen's cabinet.
The poor little dude is going to be baked today.

Here's something else I did with another picture taken from a different angle.

PLEASE CLICK ON THE THUMBNAIL TO SEE IT IN THE ORIGINAL SIZE.
THE ORIGINALS WERE VERY BIG I HAD TO RESIZE THEM AND MAKE THEM WEIGHT LESS IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO POST THEM.

Paty
Husband's Caregiver Dx 10.17.05
BAJA CALIFORNIA, MEXICO

[JACKIEMAX]

i don't know how many of you watch 'the bachelor' on tv on monday nights. but he hands out a rose to the girls he wishes to stay and get to know better. my husband and i only watch this silly show because those girls just make an utter fool of themselves to get the attention of the bachelor in hopes of becoming 'mrs. bachelor' in the end.

last night while the bachelor was handing out the last rose, my husband, who can barely walk anymore, walked over to the door and said 'well, it's apparent i'm not going to get a rose tonight, so i'll go let the puppy out.'

gosh, i admire his ability to keep a sense of humor when he is battling this horrific disease. hope this silly story made someone smile.

jackiemax

[Frizzel]

May he rest in 'piece'.

ok Al, we'll try to go to the cheer people up section. I just found this one and I'm still laughing!!! I was in a sad mood this evening and wouldn't have even thought about going to be cheered up thread. Thanks to Toni going out of the box, even for just this post, it sure cheered me up. Blessings and joy! Goodnight! Frizzel

[Mike27]

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at
the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[MtPockets]

Hey!! Check out My Meds

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know..........
Is what tells each one where to go!

God Bless
Capt AL

[CindyM]

Cute, Al. I think I'll print it and share it! Cindy

[MarciaA]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Sorry it was so long, but I thought they were all cute! :lol:

Marcia

[MtPockets]

Absolutely great. Thanks for the good laugh this am.
God Bless
Capt AL

[midwestgirl]

If my Body were a Car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.

My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood.

Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

It takes my hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

[liz]

midwestgirl - I think we might be twins separated at birth :-D . - Liz

[Frizzel]

Hey midwest girl and Liz,

We used to own an oel Buick!:-D The huge oel thing made me hungry just looking at it with shredded wheat seats and it's snap crackle pop paint job. We never worried about going any where in it. COuld leave the window down, car unlocked and even sometimes run into the rear tail gait of our friends old truck at the stop sign without air bags going off. We made many many memories through the years with that oel car. I'm smilin' just thinking of that tank of a car. So what if we're kinda like oel Buick's now??....Injoy the ride! Frizzel

[midwestgirl]

I'm glad I brought back some happy memories, and made you smile. That's what this thread is all about.

[MtPockets]

Alabama :
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked..
" Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
" A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Louisiana:
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi :
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

And My Favorite:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. he man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you they tell
you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!!!

God Bless Yall,
Capt AL :-D:-D

[Mike27]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!"

If you're not sure what a 710 is, click here:
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

Cheers!

[MtPockets]

*STORY OF ELIJAH* The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the Story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the Altar. He had them do this four times "Now, the Teacher said, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?
A little boy in the back of the room started waving his Hand, "I know! I know!" he said, "To make the gravy!

*LOT 'S WIFE*
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when Little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while She was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

*GOOD SAMARITAN*
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story Of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the Class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.

*DID NOAH FISH?*
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

*HIGHER POWER*
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, Aces!

*MOSES AND THE RED SEA*
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God Sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead The Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for Reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

*THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD*
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the Verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite
Psalm 23 in front of the Congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

*CHURCH SMILES*
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old Family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal Clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

WHILE DRIVING*
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a Sense of humor, because attached to the back of the Carriage was a hand printed sign: Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.

*A QUILT*
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
The grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

God Bless
Capt AL

[MtPockets]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner
peace

God Bless
Capt AL

[Lorie]

Capt. AL, I wasn't feeling too good this morning. Then I read your post. I laughed so much, it made the right kind of sense. I love your sense of humor!!! Keep it up!
Maybe we can spread some of it around. I have to print it for Tim, he will love it!!!!

Lorie:-D

[Lorie]

This will make you smile

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school.

As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"

The child answered, " I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."

May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.

Lorie:-D

[MtPockets]

I think God must have been taking my picture in the back yard when the lightning hit the tree, and then I had to make a trip to the rest room. :-D:-D
God Bless
Capt AL

[thomkat]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'

[Lorie]

That was a good one!!!

Lorie:-D

[Frizzel]

Tough day today. My legs are getting weaker and not able to carry me without effort even in our home. The lights feel like they're going out pretty fast. Needed a pick me up...came here and now...I've been laughing and :) smiling! What a forum! Thanks! Frizzel
PS Captain Al! Where do you come up with all those stories?:mrgreen:

[MtPockets]

Some of the best are from life I guess.
Love your stories keep them coming.
When we laugh so hard we cry out of both ends, it does our hearts good. A merry heart, does good like a medicine.

God Bless
Capt AL :-D

[Montana Carol]

Here I sit, reading and laughing, while my floors are filthy and my garden needs weeding! How am I ever going to get my work done now that I've found this thread?!
Carol:mrgreen:

[Frizzel]

I thought that's why Captain Al started this thread?! So we would have an excuse to not have to deep clean our houses or weed our gardens!!!! ha! :mrgreen:

I've laughed so hard like Al shared, it's double the pleasure...out both ends!! ha!

[Montana Carol]

That's right, why worry? The work will wait! Actually, I managed to tear myself away and scrape the biggest pieces of barnyard debris off the floor, and even pulled some weeds. That's good enough -- I'm proud of myself! Now I can come back and laugh some more. You guys are such a riot! :mrgreen:

[Montana Carol]

Maybe I'm the only person who hasn't seen Paul Potts and heard him sing. I hope this will make you feel as good as it has me! Wowsers! Carol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0dzZTPWrSM

[Al]

Opera is not my thing and neither is Oprah lol, but that guy is darn good. Thanks Carol.
AL.

[Frizzel]

We are going to get one of his CD's when they come out. The story of how he overcame the odds to get to where he did without climbng over anyone was, well, I don't even have words for it. My favorite part was when he was sharing and said he shared that he always thought he was nobody and that he IS somebody, He's Paul Potts. If we each could just appreciate who we innately are and what our personal giftings are. I was inspired Carol!

[Montana Carol]

Paul Potts is a great singer, a true natural, and it's incomprehensible to me how he slipped through the cracks until now; but it was his sweet, humble manner that really blew me away. I think it even influenced crotchety ol' Simon Cowell! :) Carol

[Montana Carol]

Here's our Bible study for today. :)

How Adam Got Eve..........UMMMMMMMMM!

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

[Montana Carol]

Have you ever been this tired?

[CindyM]

This is one of my favorite threads. I am oging to buy Paul's CD! thanks for sharing, Carol. Cindy

[MtPockets]

One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was those chills which only fear can put in you.

He said, "I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson."

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, "And think of me."

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: "You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you."

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard....

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson."

God Bless, pass it along,
Capt AL :)

[Al]

Recently, the Toronto Police Services board ran an e-mail forum;

a question and answer exchange with the topic being "Community
Policing."

One of the civilian email participants posed the following
question: "I would like to know how it is possible for police
officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt Berezowski a
cop with a sense of humor (or reality) replied:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Toronto we
average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops
are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where
we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non harassing
departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day
innocents. And at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60%
patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the
rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for
harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations
that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a
situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or
more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This
gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-
fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to
harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not
up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.
What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those
people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us
are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating
his wife" is a code phrase we often use. This means we'll come out
and give some special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's
a guy breaking into a house" or "So and so has a grow op." The
harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive.
They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no
insurance or no drivers licence and the like. It's lots of fun when
you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running
a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on
when you find they have drugs in the car, are drunk, or have a
warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like
a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can
harass them for hours.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONE or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to
harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor
Vehicle, Liquor Act, etc... They all spell out all sorts of things
for which you can really mess with people. After you read the
statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find
someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them.
Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well, there's
this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got
permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we
have set up, and it works pretty well.

I seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get
away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab,
we keep the streets safe for them. Next time you are in my town,
give me a single finger wave. That's another code word.

[Montana Carol]

Good one. I'm forwarding this to my police officer son. What ever happened to "The Policeman Is Our Friend!"? Thanks. Carol

[Lorie]

Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.

It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.

Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said.

"Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?"

"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother.

Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn?

I want you to build me a fence - - an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."

The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."

The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing, and hammering.

About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all.

It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all -- and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.

"You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.

"No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.

"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more bridges to build."



Think about who the Carpenter is?

[liz]

Swear to god, my youngest said this to me one day when he was four and was thoughtfully examining the latest treasure he'd found while digging around in his nose with his finger:

"Mom...........if you were a booger, I'd love you, 'cause I love boogers and I love you."

Then he popped his finger in his mouth.

When he was in first grade, I was so excited because he was the first of my four to land a "speaking part" in the first grade show. So when it was close to his turn, he had to come forward and stand front and center with two other kids waiting for his turn to speak. And there he stood with his finger up his nose 'til it was time to speak his line.


Proud of my kids and don't care who knows it,

Liz :-D

PS - that nose picking thing he gets from his father.

[hboyajian]

Liz, I had to chuckle at that one, being a first grade teacher. I don't allow kids to hassle each other about nose picking, after all it's a personal thing and doesn't hurt anybody. Believe me, I have lots of other more difficult behaviors to be concerned about. I just encourage hand washing, since these little ones generally have their hands in all kinds of messes.

Here's a funny first grade story: A few years ago, I shared with my class that I would be going to volunteer at an orphanage in Mexico, and that I would like to have them help me get the children there some things that they need. When I had asked another volunteer what I could bring that was most needed, she answered, "underwear and socks" so I decided to do an underwear drive at my school. At first my class was understandably overtaken by fits of giggles, but they took this need seriously and helped me decorate collection boxes with appropriate illustrations of....well....underwear. I had a letter ready to go home to parents explaining our project, but one little girl's mother came early to pick her up. The girl ran over to her mother, very excited, and blurted out, "Mom, mom, my teacher needs underwear!" Luckily this parent had a good sense of humor and the situation was quickly explained.

[MtPockets]

Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

God Bless
Capt AL :-D

[Frizzel]

Captain Al!

We take funny videos and saying and incorporate them into our training. We are definitely going to use these! Thanks for the smiles!

Frizzel:-D

[trustinggod]

(written by 8-year olds)

A grandmother is a lady who no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarter for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks".

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums outs.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answers questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

[Lorie]

This was sent to me today by one of my (local) PALS.

Handy Little Chart

YOU SAY, GOD SAYS BIBLE VERSES

You say: "It's impossible" God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired" God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me" God says: I love you (John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )
You say: "I can't go on" God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out" God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5- 6)
You say: "I can't do it" God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able" God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it" God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28 )
You say: "I can't forgive myself" God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage" God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid" God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated" God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I'm not smart enough" God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone" God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

[joelc]

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything.
They just make the best of everything."

"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!

LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past. "

If there's no smile on your face and no laughter in your heart,
YOU are just . . . . a sour old fart.

Life is too short for drama & petty things.
So kiss slowly, Laugh insanely, Love truly
and Forgive quickly.

**

[Al]

If you need a few good belly laughs then you have to see the Simpson's movie. My son in law and a friend went yesterday and surprisingly there were more adults there than kids. Our nearby theater is wheelchair friendly and buying the tickets I jokingly said Do I get a discount because I brought my own chair? She gave me $3 off. Paid for the popcorn. Bonus. Used to have a friend that said, it don't cost nothin to ask. Guess he's right.
AL.

[Al]

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic
work schedules, it was difficult for them to coordinate their travel
schedules.
So...the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with
the wife scheduled to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the
room, so he decided to email his wife. However, he accidentally left
out
one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent
the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email,
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother passed out
on the floor. He saw the computer screen which read.....

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: May 1, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S....Sure is stinking hot down here.

[Crooked Creek]

Did you hear about the heartbroken tractor salesman?
He got a Deere John Letter!

[liz]

Thanks guys. Those last two were gems. :-D

[MtPockets]

The Pastor, the Vicar, and the Atheist One day a Pastor, a Vicar and an Atheist go on a fishing trip together. They are in the boat and the Pastor says," Oh! No! I left the paddles on shore!"

So he proceeds to get out of the boat and walk on the water to the shore to get them. Once he had gotten back into the boat the Vicar says," Oh! No! I left the bait on shore too!" And like the Pastor the Vicar exits the boat and walks on the water to get the bait.

When the Vicar climbs back into the boat the atheist yells," Well if you guys can do it so can I!!!" and proceeds to climb out of the boat, but he falls into the water.

At this point the Pastor says," Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

[ZenArcher]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[jimercat]

My 7 year old son painted a pciture yesterday for my husband. It was a spider with 10 "legs." My husband asked him how many legs a spider has and son replied "8." Husband asked, "Then why does your spider have 10 legs (pointing to extra "legs")?" Son replied, "Dad, those are his ARMS!"

[liz]

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.



What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.



What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better wi thout medicine.



What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[Thumbs Up]

Kids say the darnest things. Reminds me of the Art Linkletter show from years ago. I don't know if anyone remembers it. He used to ask kids questions, and the answers were priceless. My neighbours little guy asked me one day why I had so many cracks in my hair. (the grey hairs).