Worried about Daughter-in-law

ALSmom · 11-08-2009, 03:22 PM

My son was dx nov 2008. Has lost use of arms, hands, legs and speech is very bad. He had his feeding tube put in this week. He is very upbeat but very concerned about his wife of 1 year. She has completely shut down. She comes home from work and goes to sleep. She is constantly sleepy. It's like this is her refuge. We are retired but live 10 hours away from them. We travel to see them as often as possible but it is evident that we are not really welcome by her. This week our daughter was at their house and the wife went back to bed at 10 AM and was still sleeping when she left at 2:30. We would welcome him with open arms to live with us but he wants to stay with her. That is fine with us but we worry sooooooo much that she is unstable and whether he is getting the care he needs. Doe anyone have any suggestions as to how to approach the subject with her or get her the help she obviously needs? They have a wonderful caregiver that comes in during the day. She takes care of our son, cleans the house, cooks the meals, does the laundry etc. So it's not physical help she needs. She was a friendly, outgoing girl until this all happened.

GlenBrittle · 11-08-2009, 03:31 PM

Hey ALSMOM,

I would venture a guess that she is suffering from depression. The constant sleeping is the tell.

I have a couple of suggestions.

a) speak with your sons ALS Team and mention it to them. When she takes him for his next checkup , they could approach her. The team is there for both the PALS and the CALS (caregiver).

b) find one of her good friends and ask them to help get her to a doctor. She needs help too.

I hope this helps.

Glen

Katie C · 11-08-2009, 10:18 PM

Totally agree with Glen.. the poor girl is suffering from depression and needs someone to intervene for her. My son had a severe depressive episode a couple of years ago... it took some hard work on both his part AND mine but he's doing great. A depressed person cannot always see their need for help, nor can they always see that there is a way out. Does she have any family of her own nearby that you could contact? Perhaps they could talk to her.

Remember that she is suffering too... when they tell you that ALS is a family disease, there's a reason! As a newlywed, I'm sure this isn't exactly what she'd had in mind!

Take care, all of you!!

strikeout · 11-08-2009, 11:11 PM

Glen and Katie are right. It sounds like clinical depression. Is there a caregiver support group in her area that she could attend so she could connect with people who are also in her situation? She definitely needs to see a doctor who might be able to find the right anti-depressant that will work for her. Echoing Katie's request - Take care of yourselves!

shelleynshaggy · 11-09-2009, 02:15 AM

I also think it is depression - she needs to talk to her doctor. Maybe point her our way?? I know this forum has been help for me. Possibly, with other caregivers there she just doesn't know how to help or what to do for him.

KeeKer · 11-09-2009, 02:23 PM

I agree, totally sounds like depression. She needs to get some help. I agree about talking to the ALS team.

Zaphoon · 11-09-2009, 04:51 PM

I share the opinion that your son's wife is suffering from depression.

I feel sorry for the both of them. I hope she seeks help.

Jeannie · 11-11-2009, 10:06 PM

I agree that she is suffering from depression, this must be horrible for all of you. Does your son have anyone to help in the meantime. I am so sorry for you all
In friendship
Jeannie

shelleynshaggy · 11-11-2009, 10:54 PM

Sometimes it takes more than 1 doctor's visit - I have been to my Dr at least 3 times since Jim's diagnosis. First he adjusted medication dosage, gave me Xanax for those breakdown moments and then gave me a low-dose of a 2nd depression medication that will work to help level out my "levels" - no one wants to be on a ton of meds - but I need to be functional for my husband and kids - I need to get out of bed and off the couch. Need to do more than crawl under the covers and hide from ALS, FTD, doctors, lawyers, social security, etc...etc...etc. If she is not willing to help herself your son may be better off with you. No one asks for these "duties" but we all have been dished them.

Katie C · 11-13-2009, 02:58 PM

Aw, Shelley.. I LIKE it under the covers!! You mean I can't stay there!?!?!? Gosh darn it!

GlenBrittle · 11-13-2009, 04:37 PM

Shelley & Katie , you need to see the good in everything you do. Under the covers can be good , so tell us more ...

Glen

Katie C · 11-14-2009, 01:23 PM

Mind outta the gutter Glen... mind outta the gutter! (yes.. I see the halo, and it is noticably askew)