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So I just started down the road of looking for someone to come in a few hours a day. I was going to do that a month ago but hey even I sometimes get on that river in Egypt...

Since Brian’s diagnosis, his brother died of cancer (Dx’d prior to Brian’s Dx), his sister died from flu just a few weeks ago, our 8 year old Pomeranian Lily died of CHF in July. My mom’s back got much worse. She had a fall and was on the floor 36 hours in August, in a nursing home all of September. Now she is having a lot of trouble again and needs disk surgery.

I work full time. I have help with cleaning and yard work and I get everyone’s groceries delivered pretty much, ours and my moms. I also pay for her housekeeper. I have many animals to care for, don’t mind a bit they are my salvation many days.

My mom does not have money and frankly (and Americans will know what I mean, how our system works) I am about ready for her to take advantage of that fact and enter a Medicare/Medicaid nursing home at least short term while we wait for this disk surgery. I believe her Dr could work up a rehab type order, but she is unwilling. My


Mom is not a nice person (I won’t bore you with that) in general and dealing with her needs too is challenging. We have a bit of cash, but not enough for me to bag my job- it pays well and is the source of the help I can provide. I don’t have enough cash to be paying for more home help for my mom and for ourselves. Well, not do that and lead any kind of life or keep retirement savings in tact. I have limits with her. She is not a nice person. God forgive me.

So that’s my load, and dumping it here because it gets mighty heavy. Thanks everyone.
 
Wow! That's a lot, Lenore. I hope you can get some help soon. I can only imagine how much stress comes with all that.

Hugs.
 
Lenore, I am sending huge hugs your way. I do understand a lot of what you’re going through. It’s been very difficult trying to help care for my parents as well this year.

After her disk surgery, the Dr can make it a requirement she go to a rehab facility. Do talk to him about it. Maybe he can even tell her she HAS to go for a month to qualify for the surgery itself. Not sure it will work, but if he tells her she can’t have the surgery w/o doing so, maybe you can get her there. Do you have any siblings that could pitch in? Forgive me if you’ve been over the family situation

I’m so sorry about the losses Brian has had to deal with since his DX.

Hugs,

Sue
 
I'm so sorry there have been so many losses!

I agree about talking to your mums doctor. Tell him you can't help financially (just say it that simply, you can't) and ask him to sort out getting her into rehab etc. Let him deal with her as he can probably tell her more firmly that x or y are her two choices and let's do the paperwork.

I hope you find someone to help there at your place that really clicks with you both!
 
Lenore,
All I have to offer is my prayers. You've been through so much in such a short time.
 
The mom is a tough customer and her auto reply to everything is “ no” but we had a conversation yesterday that may have been productive so we will see what happens.

I think this is really about the toughest time I have had in my life. Neither one of us really have family here outside of my mom and his niece and nephew (no help there) so figuring it all out on our own. If I ever feel sorry for myself on the no family here thing I think on some of the wretched issues other CALS have had with grown kids and step kids. They are not always a blessing.

My brother lives in Hawaii, sister died 10 years back and all of Brian’s immeadiate family is gone now. Just the no good niece and nephew of his here and his out of state, elderly aunts.

It really is the toughest time in my life, but getting through each day. If I make it through this, one day I will go on a long vacation to a far away place, and just try first to remember who I was before all this happened. A friend just came back from Australia, she recommends it highly.

I did go to the Opera last night. That was a nice night with a friend. He asked me when I was writing my book because my musings online were “literary”. I think maybe my words seem more weighty and profound than they are even on Facebook because of all that colors the background.
 
So sorry you have so much on your plate and have had to endure way too many losses lately. Hugs!
 
Lenore—- Deep breath! Lots of hugs. Know that you’re a strong person, and you will get through this.
 
More hugs Lenore - there isn't anything bigger than this one for sure!
 
Lenore,

I can relate to the "no helpful relatives" comment. Oh well.
 
Sometimes I think family was this big, blessed thing when people had lots of siblings and lived on farms and never moved far from where they were born.

It’s all different now. I have met PALS who have grown kids and siblings who are not helping at all. They live far off, or don’t have a good relationship, or just have lots of excuses. I can’t say I regret our lack of kids in this situation because who knows how that would have worked out.
 
Lenore & Kim:
I can relate to "no helpful relatives"

My step daughter and son in law don't even ask!

My wife and our friends are "our family" ! We have changed wills to reflect that. Our synagogue and friends will be well provided for and we left daughter and her husband $100 and a chess set with card that says "checkmate"


I can't take it with me, but I can make sure some people can't get it either!
 
My mother's sister had five kids. They all stayed in upstate NY and those kids all had at least five kids. Now, they're a very close knit family with tons of support. My Aunt was well cared for in their homes from the time she moved from her house until she died at 96. Grandchildren bathed her every day. She was taken on outings and they fixed her three nice meals a day. She had a quiet place to watch TV and read. The final six months was pretty tough because she was weak and not able to get to the toilet on her own but there was always one or two family helpers available to attend to her needs. They read to her when she could no longer hold a book.

So different with my mother. She only had me and my brother. She came to live with me when she got her terminal diagnosis. She had two grandchildren by my brother and six great grandchildren. Not one of them came to help me. The odd thing is that she was very close to her grandchildren, practically raising one and frequently babysat her great grandchildren.

So, there you have it. I guess it's just a crap shoot. I don't regret taking care of her for one minute and thank God she is not here to see me go through this hell but it was so hard to work full time, work on my doctorate, write a textbook and be a full-time caregiver to my mom. I was only 40 so I had plenty of energy but it took its toll on me mentally. After she died, I spent a week in bed crying because I was so guilty she was gone and I was relieved.

Now my brother is in Florida and I see him failing. It breaks my heart. He is 81 and I am so angry I can do so little for him. Yesterday I made a chicken dinner for him and his wife and they were so grateful. I did their taxes last night, only took 15 minutes, and he cried when I told him he was getting all he paid in back.

Some days I wish I had kids and other days I'm glad I don't.

A couple of days ago I was upset and started to cry. I looked down at Ace and he was shaking and cowering. This F'ing disease even affects animals.

Lenore, if you ever want to talk, I'm a good listener.
 
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