Holiday Jokes

Status
Not open for further replies.

KarenNWendyn

Moderator
Forum Supporter
Joined
Jul 29, 2017
Messages
3,933
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
07/2017
Country
US
State
OR
City
Southern Oregon
I realized, after posting some silly Santa jokes in the “Great short jokes” thread, that there probably should be a new thread for holiday jokes. This can include raunchy Santa jokes. So here’s the thread. Who would like to start?
 
Here's how I feel about Christmas............
 

Attachments

  • Santa-using-chimney-as-toilet.jpg
    Santa-using-chimney-as-toilet.jpg
    42.8 KB · Views: 122
Here are some more:

Did you hear about the chess grandmasters awards at the Penninsula Hotel coffee shop?

There were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
——
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

“Looks like rain, dear”
——-

How do you know Santa is a guy?

He wears the same clothes every year.
———
Now we get a little raunchier....

Why does Santa go through the chimney?

Because Mrs. Claus told him he’d never get in the back door.
——-
Why doesn’t Santa have any children?

Because he always wraps his package z
——
What do the pope and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are just for decoration.
———
Why does Santa land on the roof?

Because he likes it on top.
——
What do the female reindeer do when they want some fun?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.
 
Not really a joke but a $ hitload of FUN!
Xmas parade with biking club “ nuts”
 

Attachments

  • D06884C2-CD63-443F-82A8-379E9297F98B.jpg
    D06884C2-CD63-443F-82A8-379E9297F98B.jpg
    103.1 KB · Views: 137
  • CC26DC2D-74E8-4CE2-824F-80B678395AE0.jpg
    CC26DC2D-74E8-4CE2-824F-80B678395AE0.jpg
    94.9 KB · Views: 130
This is one I can relate to
 

Attachments

  • christmas-funny-comic-sitting-on-santas-lap.jpg
    christmas-funny-comic-sitting-on-santas-lap.jpg
    41.4 KB · Views: 158
A couple more.
 

Attachments

  • maxresdefault (1).jpg
    maxresdefault (1).jpg
    63.8 KB · Views: 143
Another one to which I can relate.
 

Attachments

  • xmas cartoon 3.jpg
    xmas cartoon 3.jpg
    76.2 KB · Views: 150
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson for Christmas. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. " The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
 
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
Now thats the Spirit!! keep,em coming
 
A wonderful Christmas song told me to Deck The Halls....so I did. Mr. and Mrs Hall were not very happy.
 
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car (a perfectly modified, wheelchair adapted Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women, end here.
Men, keep going.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident
 
Q: What is the difference between Santa Claus and productivity of our legislative/executive system?

A. Some people still believe in Santa Claus.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top