Thank you everyone.
If Anna wants to 'yell' on here, let her. I get it. She is the reason I posted, we were at close walks with our dads... for some reason, I feel like I know her- I guess because we share the same pain. We all do.
Anna,
I screamed in my car all the way home from work- the friday before he passed. I scream in my car a lot. I scream in my thoughts, sometimes I cant get words to come out of my mouth. I almost didnt post that my father passed- I didnt want you to lose hope. Not that this disease comes with hope.... but you know what I mean. My dad refused the trac because there was no guarantee that after he got it, he would ever come off of the ventilator. That was one of the times I wanted to scream, but no words came out. What do you say? He progressed so quickly- I argue so many things in my head- none of them matter, none of them will bring him back or make the disease leave. I asked my dad to write me back in June- after I researched ALS and realized what would happen. I wanted to soak up as much of my dad as I could. Dad kept saying he had time - he wasnt dying anytime soon. I specifically asked him to write me every 5 minutes- ha ha ha... I now have 3 letters one from July, one from August, one from Sept. He donated his body to Washington University to study ALS.... they kept it for a day or so and then he was cremated. I leave tomorrow morning for St Louis to go to his ceremony which will be Saturday am.
A few things I have realized through this:
1- I will NEVER say to anyone "at least they arent suffering anymore".... thanks captain obvious... that makes me so mad when people say that to me... but, being a true southern woman, I just smile and say you are right. secretly, I want to punch them
2- Grief comes in waves- I think the hardest part is having to come to the realization that they are gone. you know, but you dont know.... if that makes sense.
3- all the sudden I am craving things that will make my adrenaline spike... I want to fight someone (I am NOT a fighter) I want to climb a water tower, jump a train, anything that is dangerous. I dont want to die, I just have this strange desire to be dangerous or illegal. I'm not sure where that is coming from as it is the complete opposite of my personality and my Dad's.... so maybe someone else felt that after losing someone?
4. I want people around me, but I dont want them to talk. When they do talk, Im not listening.
5. I wish people would ask me about my dad and pretend to be interested in who he was.... but I might stop talking halfway through a story, because I really just want to be in my thoughts.