Cereus, you did that so well!
My Chris would not listen to any reason for months about driving.
He did not care that no insurance would cover him and we could lose everything, he did not believe he would be involved in an accident because he was careful. So many health professionals tried so many ways of explaining the risks, but his total lack of empathy was obvious no matter what was said. If I said anything he would say - I want you to trust my judgement, I will know when I can't drive anymore.
I have to add here that I am 20 km away from town and at the time the road was a 100km speed limit (it's now down to 80), country roads with soft edges, not very wide, winding and lots of trucks on the road. To imagine someone who can barely use their hands, the hands are clawed and is unsteady on their feet hurtling along at 100km and able to react to something going wrong on the road ... no matter how careful, we all know that the art of driving is coping with what other idiots on the road may do!
We had a GP appointment and had decided to ask her to do the forms for a disabled parking permit as he was having so much trouble walking far. He was keen to have this. When we asked her for it she agreed immediately, then suddenly said - but you are not driving are you? The look of thunder on his face and I thought oh no, he we go again and I just kind of went quiet. She did some strength and reflex tests on him and began to beg him to hand in his licence. He was angry and kept stating he was fine. She filled out the forms and gave them to us and again begged him to stop driving.
I didn't look at the forms for a couple of days as he was so angry after the appointment. When I did I was shocked to find the form included a medical certificate of competency to drive and she had filled it out stating he was not medically fit. I showed it to him and he shrugged and said well then we won't get the permit for parking. I had no idea the form for parking included this certificate.
I finally had to say to him - we have now had a doctor sign a medical certificate stating you are not medically fit to drive. You have put me in a position now that means if I just watch you drive off and you do have an accident and someone is injured or killed then I will always be liable because I ignored this certificate. It wasn't just that I felt I was now legally liable, it was that I felt I was personally liable. I told him that I did not know that I could live with knowing that I had caused another's injury or death, as much as he had caused it.
He was furious with me. I got all the rants of FTD - that I just wanted him to be a vegetable sitting in a corner, I couldn't wait til he was totally useless, that I wanted to make sure all his muscles wasted away, that I see him as being f**ked already and he may was well be dead. Finally after a long torrent he said he would not drive and we would hand in his licence and get the disabled parking permit that was part of the paperwork.
He never forgave me, and always saw it that I had done this to him. He loved to tell people that I had finally managed to take his licence from him. Well he didn't tell the story, he would just state that I had done it.
At least he wasn't driving anymore and I didn't have to fear the worst. I totally understood that losing the ability to drive is so huge, I can't imagine it for myself. But I can't explain the total lack of empathy he had towards cause and effect. One also has to know what the person was like before FTD, the amount of empathy they felt, the amount of responsibility they took for themselves and others. This is a real key to knowing that this is not a normal behaviour and attitude for the person.
Libby how are you doing?