Mary and Judie, SUPERWOMEN Sisters, I can so relate - my husband didn't have ALS but was locked in his body from a brain bleed for two years. I always prided myself on being able to multi-task. As the CEO for a large non-profit I was always juggling projects, finances, personnel etc. As the wife of a military officer I was talented at hosting dinner parties for 4-8 people on a moments notice or cocktail parties for 200 with a week's notice. As a mother of one son I managed to attend school functions, host a housefull of teens with no notice and I wore all hats at the same time and kept all balls in the air ... Family and friends all depended on me to be the rock and organizer for any crisis or celebration that needed someone to remain calm, level-headed, and detail orientated.
Then, when my husband needed care I just figured it was one more ball........ and I didn't need help. Like Dick said, my marriage vows included "in sickness and in health". We were married 36 years when he fell ill and within six months I recognized I lost the love of my life as he began depending on me for more and more. As I look back I see that I began grieving long before his death. I also see that the stresses took their toll on me and now I am the one who is in need of care. Did my superwoman, stubborness to "do it all", bring on the ALS - who knows. But I realize the symptoms showed up at that time and I ignored them. In fact, I felt guilty for having them so made light of falling and slurring of speech.
My husband thanked me every night for what I was doing...verbally when he could talk, and with his eyes when he was mute. Then I really felt guilty for not doing more. I found us beginning to separate from one another as he lost more and more functions. He would listen to books on tape and I would retreat to the office to fight with insurance providers or pay bills that were beginning to whittle away at our retirement savings. (The money we were to use to do fun things - not this!) I noticed I was becoming a nurse and a caregiver and missed being a wife. I too experienced the ADD thinking - misplaced documents, didn't open mail, forgot to eat, etc.
Now after 4-years of widowhood, I know that I did all I could and more than I should. I never brought a caregiver in until two weeks before he died and then it was hospice. During that two weeks I found I returned to being a wife - the time we had was good - reliving memories of days gone by and I was able to let him go, knowing I loved him for all the good times we had shared. And I thanked him for helping me become stronger.
All that said, don't allow yourself to feel guilty for "letting go" of whatever you can. I know it is easier said than done. But R&R time for you, the caregiver, makes you a better wife. Mary, now that you have given up "lunch" what is it you do for YOU during that "free time"?
You are amazing women and don't forget that!
Diane