My biggest secret!

My dad as you all know has ALS. He will turn 80 on Sept 11th. It was two years ago in May since his diagnosis. Here is my secret shame. Around the first of the year in January of 2012 my dad still was able to live in the same home town as me in central Illinois. I was having a very hard time dealing with the fact that my dad has ALS. I was even breaking down in tears at work. Luckily, only one time did someone notice and it was a few co-workers and not some outsiders. They were very understanding when I told them what was upsetting me. Anyway, one day I was having another rough day at work and called my husband to tell him. Hoping he would be supportive and maybe tell me he loved me or anything to give me some comfort. Brian (my husband) insisted that we go over and visit my dad that particular night. I told him I just couldn't handle that night and needed to pull myself together. Well, he picked me up from work that night because the weather was bad with our two boys. He said rather I liked it our not we were going to see my dad. He said I was just being selfish and only thinking of myself. Probally, true but I didn't want to fall apart in front of dad either. Anyway, Brian kept making mean comments and putting me down over at my dad's during our visit. We were driving to the end of my dad's street and he said that I didn't care about my dad. Then he made a comment about me being lazy because I didn't try to cook something for the kids that they wanted. Then it happened! We were stopped at the stop sign and before I knew it I had slapped him acrossed the face. I mean I totally reacted with out any thought that I first I honestly didn't know what I had done. There was a little blood because of his glasses. He naturally was furious as we drove home and he told me to leave. Being stubborn I refused and he said if I didn't he would call the police. I thought he was bluffing and said go right ahead. Well, he did and called 9-1-1. He then told them never mind. Anyway, they had to still respond. So, they came to the house and we had to explain what happened. Well, the next thing you know they have us each in separate rooms and they take a picture of his face. Which did have a mark due to his glasses cutting his face. I didn't even slap hard enough to break them. (However, that doesn't matter. I was still wrong!). They talked to me and then said I was being arrested and had to go with them. Brian told them right there that he didn't want to press charges and just wanted me to leave. They said since it was a altercation that I would be spending the night in jail and being charged with domestic battery. So, I am hauled off too jail. Granted I hadn't even gotten a speeding ticket before. The guy who booked me luckily used to work at the hospital as a security guard and was very nice too me about everything. I was then put into a cell by myself. It had no toilet and I was all enclosed in with just a concrete slab to sleep on and just a tiny peak hole. Needless, to say I was scared shitless! It was probally around 8 pm when I was booked. Then next day I waited and waited until it was time for me to appear in court before the judge. I had to stand there with the shackles and the whole nine yards. They didn't make me change out of my street clothes. There in court sat my dad's sister (my aunt). She paid $800 and I was released. I was given a court date to appear with a lawyer and plea. I wasn't allowed to go home because they had me under a restraining order. So, my aunt took me over to live with my dad for awhile. I wasn't allowed to have any contact with Brian (my husband) at all. I'm not going to say if we actually went by that or not. My lawyer went and we pleaded not guilty and the judge was handed a note from my psychiatrist. It said I was under his care and was when I struck Brian I was in the manic stage of my bipolar disorder. He said he had been working with me to help me come to grips with my father having a terminal illness. Anyway, it would take several more appearances and a cost of $1500 in lawyer fees and I was cleared of all charges. I think that took clear until March. But, it was at the end of January after the altercation that I was dealt one of the hardest blows of my life. I was served early in the morning at my father's home with divorce papers. You never ever heard such horrible shrieks come out of anyone in your life. My sister was home luckily from Texas to help me move into my apartment that I thought was only going to be temporary. She took control because I was literally going to kill myself right then and there. I could actually feel physical pain in my heart. I moved into a apartment and now it has been 1 1/2 years later. Still no divorce and we plan on getting a legal separation instead. Brian said he still loves me but can't live under the same roof as me. He said he would like for us to reconcile someday but has real serious doubts that it will ever become a reality. My dad moved last summer in 2013 to Dallas where he lives in a assistant living facility. I have lost my family live as I once knew it. It was also the first time in my life that I was ever away from my dad for over a week. I lived at home with my mom and dad until I got married at the old age of 27. lol The only time I didn't see them was when they went on a trip and it was never more then a week. You might say my life has changed dramactically. So, this is my story. Actually, though my doctor changed my diagnosis to borderline personality disorder. I guess anyway you want to cut it I'm a mess. Kim