February 28, 2008

I am sooooo bummed out. When I received my insurance statement for the hospital bill for my visit to Houston, I realized that I will have to pay considerably more than I thought out-of-pocket. I have done my best to stay upbeat about the cost of all of this, but this brought it home to me. Not only did feelings about how I will be able to pay for this, but worries about not eventually being able to work, going on disability, SSDI, and Medicare came crashing down on me. I spent the whole evening stewing in a pot of worry and self-pity. I called my friend who is a counselor, and she assured me that this is normal. But I have come so far with my thoughts in the last few years, that even a day or an evening fearful and worrying is too much. I spent the first 39 years of my life consumed with worry and fear and have been able to come so far with positive self-talk and prayer. But tonight none of that worked well enough to take away the overwhelming feeling of desperation. I know sometimes you just have to feel the pain, to feel the grief. But I don't have to like it.

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