Alone

It has been 8 months since my mom was diagnosed with ALS. I lost my dad when I was 20. He was sick for a long time and even as a child I knew that I would have to prepare myself for losing him at a young age. I just prayed that I would when the time came I would be old enough to take care of the family. You see, my mom is an immigrant and her English is not the best. She was a stay at home mom her entire life. My dad took care of the finances and made all the big decisions. So I prayed that when he left us I would be wise enough to make those decisions for us. 

5 years later I was finally starting to heal.. finally starting to figure life out. I spent the summer traveling around Europe, enjoying my job, moving into a new place and making it home. But as summer came to an end so did that story. The week I got home from traveling I got the news that my brother was in the hospital. He passed quickly. He was unhappy with life and would often disappear for long periods of time, only to resurface when you least expected it. Now he was at peace. But I wish I has gotten to know him better. I thought I had time.

I was busy helping his daughter plan for the memorial. At the same time we noticed my mom was experiencing slurred speech. I thought she had has a stroke which would have been shocking. My mom is the healthiest person I know. She eats well, exercises, doesn't drink or smoke. And then she was diagnosed with ALS. 

When I was a little girl picturing life without my dad, the one thing I counted on being a solid in my life was my mom. I knew, or thought I knew I would have her for a long time. My grandma lived to be 90. So I thought I would be old and grey with a family of my own when her time came. I thought if my dad couldn't walk me down the aisle, I could have my mom do it. I thought my mom would get to see my children and be a grandma even if my dad couldn't.  

When my dad passed I finished college and thought I would finally be able to spend time figuring out who I am. I didn't visit my mom as often as I should. I was tired from my new job. I thought I had time. 

ALS is hard to deal with. My mom is physically still here, but she can't talk like she use to. She can't do all the things she use to love. It changes your relationship with that person without you realizing it. I feel like I've already lost her. And I hate that. I know this post is depressing and angry. But most days I try to live with positivity. Most days are decent. But some days these thought drift in my head and I feel like I'm a thousand miles away. 

 

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